Tuesday, January 01, 2013

1. New #JanBlogaDay

Happy Year!

It used to be a running joke at the last place that "Happiness is not a core value!" To the point when something went wrong, someone invariably exclaim: "I'm not happy!" just to give someone the opportunity to shout out the catchphrase.

I think it originated with someone saying it in all seriousness, someone else being wounded and using it again sarcastically in the company of people who didn't know what was going on and it became a hyperlocal meme. Probably to the glee of the person who first issued the declaration and to the dismay of the person wounded by it.

Anyhow, I digress.

I've been struggling a little bit lately, with happiness, or even with the joy I'm supposed to experience. Of course, I compound that by the strong sense of guilt I carry.  My struggles aren't as big as many I know.  So why can't I find joy or happiness?  It's the season I say is my favorite time of year.  But I'm not feeling it.  Where's my childlike wonder?


I am pleased to say that I don't feel like I "missed Christmas" this year as I felt I have in years' past, and I guess I take consolation that -- that I made progress -- but I didn't fully Celebrate like I would have liked.  Of course, I have a list. I could use that to formally plan Christmas more, to make sure I'm getting everything checked off my list.  I did watch Miracle on 34th. Street in glorious black and white, I did watch Mixed Nuts, I even watched all of Family Man except the final airport scene (I just ran out of time.  I could pop it in and finish it for closure, I suppose) but I didn't get to It's a Wonderful Life this year.  We did go and look at Christmas lights one night, but we made some bad choices about neighborhoods so we ended up with a few duds.  Next year, find a walkable neighborhood and bundle up and get out of the car.  I am a little frustrated with our church - we don't sing enough traditional Christmas music during the Christmas season.  Probably my single biggest frustration with our church.  I can't figure it out.  It's the time of year when you're most likely to have visitors, guests and lapsed church attenders wanting to reconnect with a happier time in their lives and he we are ignoring all that.

I had a little pity party the other day when I laid out all that I felt like everyone was expecting of me and how I didn't feel like I could do it all and that I was therefore letting everyone down.  I don't know if I was overthinking, or if I care less today, or if just having an opportunity to talk about it with Lori was what I needed to get it off my chest.  But I certainly don't feel that kind of pressure today.  I also suspect writing about my struggles on here is also a way to make sure they're not getting bottled up.

Of course, it was also after a church service that did a lot of looking back to the past year - that was kinda cool, a mini-summary of all the sermon series that were presented in the last year and a look at how they all tied together.

Or perhaps I'm more seasonally-affected than I'd like to believe.  It has been dark and gray lately.

Or the lack of exercise.  I've lost a lot of ground.

Or the lack of sleep.  This is a continual struggle.  My children are doing all they can to disrupt my sleep, not realizing that it impacts my ability to be as positive or as happy a day as I'd like.

Anyhow, new is always good.  But to place so much emphasis on this singular day is a little silly.

Every single day is a new opportunity.  I think I just need to make sure I take a moment to realize that.

Day 1 of January Blog a Day


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