Friday, January 18, 2013

18. Advice #JanBlogaDay

Advice is only worth as much as you paid for it. If you continue reading, you owe me $4.28. Go ahead and just send it directly to MultiCare. I need like the first 500 people who read this to do that.

You will never completely understand the cost of health care. Don't try, it's all made up anyhow.

When you are pregnant, lots of people will want to give you advice. Most, instead, will give you badvice. Smile and nod and move away slowly before they grope you in the baby-area. I still remember one balmy Southern California evening trying to get a hard-edged swimming pool to flex enough to shove into the back of the Santa Fe, a gift for our monster dog. Lori, quite pregnant, was assaulted with this unsolicited gem "Go out to eat now as much as you can because once you have kids you'll *NEVER* get to go out to eat." However, look at the parents you admire and see what you can learn from them. And the ones you don't admire, you can learn just as much. However, don't try to say what you ultimately will or won't do or will or won't be like - your child will sense that and defeat it.

After being pulled over, saying to a cop, "I didn't think the police had jurisdiction on private property." is a risky move. I wouldn't recommend it. There are just times when you look back at yourself as a teenager and think "How on earth did I get away with that?"

Never use BCC:. Never ever ever ever ever. It's on the top 10 list of worst inventions. If someone will BCC: you, you can't trust that they're never BCC:ing anyone else when they TO: or CC: you. Worse yet, a lazy person you BCC:'d might not pay attention and hit reply-all. You also are saying to the person "You are less important than the CC: people and well, you're just insignificant compared to the Adonis Rockstar All-Pro Superheroes on the TO: line for whom I would give my life. You should feel so lucky I deemed to throw you a table scrap. Kiss my ring, peasant-flea." It's much safer, smarter and trust-worthy to just forward them their own copy. It also gives you a chance to explain why it's important that they are advised of the email but that they should keep it to themselves. Lets you and the other person play spy and they will think you're cool.

Guessing my age wrong by over 7 years too low means that if I'm indebted to you for the rest of you career if there's any way I can ever help. There are two of you. I'm not sure if that's advice, except to say that most guys over 30 also appreciate it when you underestimate their age and it's not an attempt at flattery but an honest mistake.

Don't climb on automated lighthouses near the borders between two countries. You risk an international incident.

When the next leg of your flight is canceled or delayed due to fog at your destination but they're not being forthcoming, polite-but-firm might get you a first class, direct flight to your destination. I really should have a more favorable opinion of United.

If the shuttle company also has Towncars, prepay and fly home from a smaller airport at an obscure time. They might send a Towncar to the hotel instead of a shuttle at no extra charge.

Don't taunt hungry squirrels in the park, they might bite your finger and then you will have to run all the way back home to your grandma's house while trying not to bleed on your brand new Time-Life AM/FM radio with headphones hoping you're not going to die of rabies.

If you screw up really badly with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, insert s neutral third-party into the scene by phone or IM to distract them while you work to make things right. By the time you're able to apologize and present presents, they've context-switched away from your stupidity. The third-party must understand they are serving as a distraction and therefore avoid discussing you.

If someone who is normally extremely low-key texts you to say a sidewalk you'll soon encounter is slippery, believe them. It's not a little slippery, it's full-body-cast-if-you-step-wrong slippery.

If you're laying flat on your back after a fall, just accept that your soda is still spilling and there's nothing you can do until you get your breath back. And no, you can't slurp it off the icy sidewalk.

Just because there's a sign indicating the speed limit on the beach doesn't mean you should try to drive on the beach in the dark when no one else is around. You might get yelled at and threatened with a ticket by a State Park Police officer who ultimately just decides to watch as you try to dig out enough sand to free your car after you get stuck.

Coke MyPoints can only redeemed for junk. Don't do it.

Don't tell dirty jokes to your little brother. He might tell them to your grandma.

Cancel your MySpace account. It's not coming back.

Certain periods of your life, like college, are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. If you consider it a barrier between you and "real life," you will look back later and realize what you missed.

Just a guess, but travel when you're young, single and don't have a lot of expenses. It'll help you prioritize travel when life gets more complicated. Or so I assume.

Politics are not A or B. Rich, conniving people would have you believe otherwise, but they just want to be richer. Use your heart and your brain when you vote.

Never ask for lemon slices in a restaurant. Chances are you wouldn't like it if you have the peel analyzed by your local CSI:(insert-city-name-here) agent.

Don't text and drive.

If it's not urgent, or if you're upset, save that email as a draft and send it later.

Don't put on a pair of sunglasses from a source you don't know. They might fry your brain or fill it full of information that will make you a target for assassins and other ne'er-do-wells.

If you're typing on an iPad, your post will be littered with typos and m's and commas and semi-colons instead of spaces. Sorry, guess that's more of a fact.

Day 18 of January Blog a Day.

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