The Other Dreams

No dreams last night that I can remember, probably didn't sleep long enough to fall that deeply.

But since I opened the can on Monday saying I'd write about the dream where I might have killed someone, ok, here goes.  Not nearly as interesting now a day later.

Anyhow, a bunch of people were at a retreat.  The setting reminded me of a combination of Smoke Tree Ranch and The Lodge at Bellevue Square... a comfy, cozy place with a lot of people. Architecture of rock and glass, big fireplaces.  Makes me wish I still skied, to think of it now.  Skied is a really weird looking word.

We kept going into sessions to hear a guy speak, and then between sessions we'd hang out in the lobby.  Earlier in the conference, one of the conference goers had been shot, though the police could not find the gun or any evidence and had no suspects and seemed a little frustrated.  For some odd reason, I felt that maybe I was responsible, even though I couldn't remember pulling the trigger or even seeing the woman after she had died, did not have much interaction with her prior to her death, and nothing to suggest that I had been involved.  No clothes with bloodstains on them, no reddish skin on my forearms from vigorous hand-washing to get rid of gunshot residue.  As much as I wracked my brains, I couldn't come up with a motive, couldn't come up with any concrete or even circumstantial evidence that I had been involved, but there was just this nagging thing in the back of my head that said I had done in.

So, I was wrestling with whether I go to the police and inform them of my suspicions -- in case they found out on their own, would I be in a better position if I went to them first?  Or whether I just kept my mouth shut and figured if I couldn't even be sure myself, what could they possibly figure out?

I was still wrestling with that when I woke up.  Usually after I wake up, I think and ponder about that night's dream for some time, trying to remember it, trying to figure things out, trying to determine how I could have acted differently, and what kinds of clues I should have looked for to determine it was a dream.  While they are quite elusive, I am fascinated by lucid dreams and think I've participated in a few in my lifetime. 

Though, weirder, I've had a few dreams where the second or third parts came years later.  One really memorable was a dream I had while in high school or college where I had just come from a car accident in which my in-dream wife "Jenny" had died.  I stood by the fireplace in the house drinking whiskey and just losing it.  Six or seven years later in the middle of a dream, I walk into that same house and see the whiskey glass sitting there with the dried residue from the unfinished drink, covered in dust.  The entire house was closed up, mustly, dusty, as if I hadn't been there in years.  That shocked me so much I threw myself right out of the dream into conciousness and did not want to go back to sleep at all, I was so unnerved.)  (Don't let this

Another is a Myst-like setting, a building high in a forested mountain, containing a small hydroelectric plant.  A small yellow building with green framed windows that a waterfall falls into to power the plant.  The area was just so lush and beautiful and peaceful.  I've been back a few times and sometimes realize I'm on the way the route I'm driving in my car and then the parking lot and the hike into the forest.  I can tell it's not real, but I'm not able to control what happens, which usually isn't much of anything, except to enjoy the calm and peace.  I'm always quite sad when I wake up from that dream.

If there seems to be a theme of death in my dreams, that's not necessarily the case.  I did dream often of falling off cliffs when I was a child, but I'd always survive, just barely missing the ground, or landing on the tires of my bike and riding off.  I think only once I've dreamt that I actually died, and it was three days before 9/11/01 (not posted on my blog until early 2003).  Considering that it seems like every time someone I haven't seen in years suddenly makes an appearance in a dream is usually a 1-3 precursor to me connecting with a different person I hadn't talked to in years (this was in the pre-Facebook era) the fact that the death dream was right before 9/11, any time I have a really big and foreboding dream (like watching from a mall on a hill as a toxic cloud rolls in a wipes out Los Angeles), I'm really freaked the next day.  Fortunately, I haven't had any of those in awhile. 

Well, must get off to work.  Wow, I've been typing intermittently for almost an hour.  Somehow feels like a completly useless use of time.

Randomly Puzzling

Just had a dream that I was one of a number of Richard Alpert-like people who didn't age only I had amnesia and was trying to figure out what was going on.

At our house, Angie was trying to convince Meredith (by phone) to delay Make Ahead Meal exchange day because Lori Lamb was there mad because she had forgotten to make a meal (but that Angie also knew of three other women who weren't ready to meet). In Lori's case because of some other huge thing that was going on in the dream that I now can't remember. (Angie had come over to watch our children because Lori and I both had things we had to run off and attend to.) In the dream, it was Lori's and my house, but it was really different. (The garage reminded me of the family's garage in Breaking Bad where Walt hid all the money in season 2.)

It also involved industrial espionage at the State Animal Licensing Bureau building at the State Capitol and whatever building had been on that site previously. (Some clues I gathered from a nearly park which had a big sign about the building.) And a separate site in Olympia where I was one of several people digging holes trying to find stuff before the other people did in the shadow of the big buildings. (Think of the desert land between the casinos and the 15 near Vegas for a similar look.) I thought the other people digging knew who I was, but I didn't know who they were.

I bluffed my way into the State Animal Licensing Bureau building (is there such a thing? Would they have their own building? With decent security?) And that Steve and Leslie and Della worked there. (Yeah, this dream was a massive collision of unrelated parts of my life.) And Steve or Leslie also might have been like me in the non-aging way but I wasn't sure yet.

And it was Pajama Day and I had unwittingly worn my Homer Simpsons sweats and Dunder Mifflin T-Shirt so I fit right in.

Just before I woke up, I was laying on the floor in a hallway and security was coming but I was having trouble getting up because I was laying on my arm too close to the wall, so I was flopping around trying to get enough space to be able to get up. Oh, and just before that, I had been at someone else's cube where I'd been hacking their computer and trying to figure out how to remove the profile for myself that I'd added to their Palm Pre.

I believe that this dream was seeded by: Recent episodes of CSI:Thursdays, LOST and The Mentalist, Lori's massive reorganization of a number of our storage areas yesterday, Carol's recent death, a building in Seattle that I saw on the news that was build in 2001 (and not even yet fully occupied that's going to be condemned before the end of the year), all the laundry I did yesterday all the discussions of cube/workspace/layout redesigns in our area we'd had at work lately, a recent viewing of all of the Bourne movies and an Engadget editorial yesterday suggesting the merger of HTC and Palm. And Facebook for all the collection of otherwise unrelated people all appearing in the same place.

But as for meaning, I can think of none. It was more of just the random firings of my brain as it sought to put order to all kinds of random things that have been fed into it recently.

Bacon or Ewok

Lori was telling me a dream recently where she had made bacon. I thought that was a pretty cool dream. I mean, the smell of bacon, the taste of bacon, none of the annoying grease or calories. She disagreed. She said my recent dream was cooler.

I was standing on the bridge(?) of an AT-AT, up in the head(?) part. We were just standing still. It was cold and snowy. I guess we were supposed to be guarding some area or something. I was just standing there looking out the window. Bored. Every so often another person would some in to the cockpit(?), or I'd leave the cabin (seriously... what is this called?) to go back into the body of the vehicle to talk to someone. But we were definitely not moving. Oh, and the machine had a much smoother, glass head so when you stood in the front you had an expansive view. Must have been some pretty strong armored material that was transparent.

I was standing there looking out and I could see just in front and below was an Ewok curled up in a tree like a koala, sleeping. And it was annoying me because here we were in this massive beast of a machine and it was just sleeping as if it didn't even know we were there or worse yet, wasn't afraid of us. I knew it would be wrong to shoot it, and besides, I wouldn't be able to maneuver the guns around without moving the entire vehicle, but as I stood there drinking my coffee and looking at the cold terrain, its very presence in the tree was mocking me.

Finally I sat down at the controls, brought the engines online, and lowered the head and then shook it back and forth, shaking the tree and dislodging the Ewok.

A Day at Target

So, to set this up, I need to head back to last night. Last night, Bria graced my dreams. Considering how much time we spent together, I'm surprised that she hasn't appeared before in recent memory. I was meeting her husband and we were getting along well. Later in the dream, she and I and three others were working together for my two previous bosses. Someone else and I were returning from a team-building retreat and she and two other colleagues were about to leave for it, so I was telling her what she could expect if their retreat was the same as ours. For being one of my dreams, it was pretty normal and pretty unmemorable, which was weird. But, it often seems that someone specifically appearing in my dream who hasn't been part of my life for a long time often precedes my actually connecting with them in some way by a week or two. I don't know how that works... I'm not suggesting I have ESP or anything (though that dream I had that I died a day or two before 9/11 was pretty freaky) but I'm also convinced that if we only use 10% of our brains that there's a lot of stuff we don't necessarily understand about how the mind works.

Anyhow, that sets up the first part. Now, let's set up the second part. I'm in Target with Rachel. I've been charged with tiring her out so she'll take her nap earlier in the day because we have plans when she would otherwise be napping. In addition to being weary, she still hasn't fully learned the valuable lesson of really being aware of her surroundings. She was a few steps behind me and a guy was coming down the aisle with one of those large carts that holds several kids in the back. Rachel starts saying "Look out! Look out!" The guy, amused, starts weaving, like he's coming after her. I didn't think he meant any harm. She, though, occupied by the cart, is not looking forward at all. And before I can stop her, she walks smack into a stopped cart in the aisle. She's startled, scared and probably a tiny bit hurt and starts shrieking. There were others around who realized that it was completely unintentional.

I had parked my cart around the corner and was already trying to get back to her when she smacked into the cart so pretty quickly she was in my arms crying and calming down.

All the sudden I hear from behind me "Excuse me." I'm thinking 'Oh, great, some woman is about to yell at me for being negligent.' But when I turn around they say "Are you James? James Lamb?" I respond that I am and they give their name, but I can't hear it over Rachel and ask them to repeat it, thinking I had heard "Barbara" and for a moment 'Barbara Beckinghausen?' flashed through my brain. I am so bad with faces, that I was wondering when she did repeat her name, Barbara Kanouse. Not Bria, but another redhead from my past. (Loosely, that is. She was pretty cool, but way out of my league. Can't really remember much of high school, but hers is one of the names that stand out.)

We chatted for a few minutes, I learned that she was married, had three kids, the youngest six, and that she lived in Tacoma, just a mile from where we live and had lived there for three years. I was still shaken up by what had happened to Rachel, combined with my own crappy ability to communicate socially with people that I am still kicking myself for not having done a better job of talking to her. I am still thinking of things I could have asked.

So that's going to be something that's gonna bug me. Here, another opportunity to catch up with an old friend, blown because I'm still just as socially inept as I ever was.

I was standing in the upper floor of my house looking out. It was dark. People were running back in forth in the street below screaming hysterically. Every so often a searchlight would aim skyward and within seconds beams of light from all over the city would streak up in the same general direction. Shortly thereafter an alien saucer would come crashing to the ground, flattening homes and buildings. One crashed down on the home across the street. Suddenly, a two short aliens emerged from the ship. One immediately ran for the shadows. The second wasn't so lucky and was quickly squashed by a very tall human. What struck me the most was the loud thumps that the ships made when they came crashing to the ground.

I woke up just totally terrified. The winds were hard outside the apartment and every few minutes there would be a really loud WHAM! as the wind sucked the window tight against the window frame. That explained the noise. The night before we had been walking in Pasadena and we passed Rusnak Volvo and I started shouting "RusNAK NAK NAK" like the aliens in Mars Attacks. And then later in the evening stupid Corey on American Idol had all his dreadlocks up inside a hat that made him look like an alien from Mars Attacks. All those things combined to give me the really bizarre dream.

The the dread I felt when I awoke was different. The last time I felt that kind of dread was when I woke from a dream right before 9/11.

But it didn't end there. No sooner had I fallen back asleep than I was at my mom's house. In the distance a very large building was being constructed. They were building a center column and at the same time building out. So there was about 10 stories of building and then about 10 more stories of this center column that was a rigid part of the center structure. They had hooked a cable to the top and were using the center structure sort of like a crane, to lift things up. Only the load was too heavy or unbalanced and it began to bend and it was obvious it was about to topple. Guys were leaping off the building. Most had ropes they were quickly rapelling down, but it was obvious people were dying. The structure did topple and it hit the ground so hard and five other buildings collapsed. Boom boom boom boom boom. One after another. Not really like dominoes, but more like the impact of one caused the one next to it to fall. And all of them were 10-20 story buildings themselves, full of people working. The fact that there were five buildings seemed important.

But then perhaps it was just my really feeling bad earlier made me think of 9/11 and maybe that caused this dream.

But if something happens in the next few days, terrorists or bombs or plane crashes or something, I'm going to be really scared. I've predicted things before, but I've always considered it a fluke. I don't believe that there is a such thing as ESP or the ability to actually see the future.

Trapped In My Head

Ok, so I don't dream nearly enough. I think it's because I don't go to bed early enough and I don't sleep soundly enough. But when I do, they sure are random.

Tonight I woke up from a dream. At the earliest part, I was driving slowly around some tricky corners which had cliffs and water below and no guardrail. There was a car behind me annoyed at how fast I wasn't going and when it was finally straight enough to even look in the mirror, I saw it was a cop. Who raced past me as soon as the road widened to multiple lanes.

Shortly, I was at a stop light in the city, only now I was on my bike. I saw Monika and Simon walking and I rolled up to them. Simon recognized me but Monika didn't (because what was I doing riding a bike in Vancouver?) so I had some fun taunting her because she was sure she should know who I was. Eventually we were in a restaurant and they were being seated and the waiter was moving a nearby table so that I could stand there, still straddling my bike to continue to talk to them. I thought that was rude of me to be on my bike in the restaurant, so I eventually left. Can't recall if I pointed out to her who I was.

And then I was in an auditorium, on stage. In front of me were three little British street urchins, covered with dirt and wearing gray ripped clothing. They looked scared and nervous and somehow I knew they had been caught misbehaving. And next to me perched on a podium was Perry the Platypus. He rapped the edge of the dias with a conductors wand, lifted it high and the children began singing "You must be kind to Perry" I can't remember it now, but the song had a chorus and at least one verse.

But then the alarm went off.

Question of the Day: Dreaming the night away

What's the last dream you remember?

In 2014 (on Feb. 26), I answered: I was buying up all the apartments in a building for all my family members. That was a few days ago?

What's your most recent dream?

2020 Charities

Every year I pick a few charities that I think are worth another look. Please investigate and if so moved, please consider making a donation. I'm only selecting two this year. The need is great, there are many fabulous charities making a difference in the world. If these don't do it for you, please do your research and pick a charity to support this year. This is how we keep America great, but supporting and celebrating those who help make this world better for those who need a little help.

Bithiah's House
In their words: "Bithiah’s House is a short-term residential therapeutic program for infants and toddlers in the foster care system.  We specialize in medically-fragile cases and strive to offer a loving home-like environment for each child who comes through our doors.

Throughout our 6-bed facility, we offer specific care plans and therapeutic services for babies and toddlers ages 0-4. Bithiah’s House is an official 501(c)(3) nonprofit with the mission to provide safe, temporary housing and treatment for babies with the goal of transitioning to a family."

Why I chose: I learned about this Southern California foster program earlier this year under very sad circumstances.  They had fostered a child who came to them when he was 2 years old, malnourished and unable to walk.  He lived with them 7 months while they worked on his diet and on helping him to learn how to walk.  Sadly, he was eventually placed back with his parents and you don't need to know anymore than that, trust me. But I really love the approach of Bithiah's House and the care they have for the little ones amongst us.

RAICES (The Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services)
In their own words: "LEGAL SERVICES: We provide affirmative, defensive, and litigation services to low-income immigrants. With more immigration lawyers than any organization in Texas, in 2018 RAICES managed 37,863 cases at no cost to our clients. Without pro-bono legal services most of our clients, including children of all ages, would have to go to court alone, with zero representation. We believe no child should go to court alone. Our legal services extend from low-cost residency and citizenship services to pro-bono representation for families and children in detention.

SOCIAL SERVICES: We empower the community by offering services to remove barriers of oppression, multiply agents of change, and increase clients’ quality of life.  We offer a wide range of services including case management, resettlement assistance, a national hotline to connect migrants with local community resources, and transit support for recently released migrants."

Why I chose: Forever, we have told the world of what a wonderful place America is. We have exported that dream through the entertainment and media we share with the world, the companies that have started here and gone out to sell their products (and set up local shops) around the globe, the aid our country has offered to other countries and the times we have acted to step in and stop conflicts and wars. We haven't always done everything right and there's plenty about America that could be better and there've been times where our meddling has made things worse, but all-in-all, we've sold that "American dream" to the world.  So much that people desperate for a better life overcome all kinds of odds to get themselves and their children to our doorstep. But we've changed the rules: You're no longer welcome here, America isn't what it seemed. We've become a land of small-minded, petty people who feel better when we see someone else suffer. Cruelty is the point. But it's not the America I know and love and idealize.  When we separate families, randomly move people around the country, incarcerate people for long periods of time, force people (or children!) to navigate the court system with no understanding of how it works (and maybe not even speaking the language necessary to speak for themselves in court) or throw people out of the the only country they've ever known for the lack of some paperwork, that is real and really sad impacts -- and people die.  RAICES works to lessen those impacts by helping people understand their rights, what's their obligations are, helps reconnect families and when our government in its infinite wisdom thinks it's smart to dump a kid at a bus stop in the middle of the night, volunteers from RAICES (and other organizations) are there to meet them and help them try to find their families.

Two-Thousand-Ten

January

Trajectory

The other day in devos they talked about trajectory and the idea of "what were you doing 10 years ago?" First off, my brain says "Ten years ago? 1990? Still in high school." I have to really fight with it to get it to agree (and even then, it's begrudgingly) that ten years ago was not 1990. I don't fear aging, I just don't like the idea of being this old. I don't like the idea of looking at the college students who watch our children and thinking that to them we look as old as we must look. Granted, by many stretches of the imagination, I am not really that old. But I'm not 22 anymore, either. When did that happen?

Also in January... Name Calling * Haiti * Taking Back My Name * Started "Odds and Ends" * Several 120s * Phonephobia * Introducing my Friends (wish I had kept that up)

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February

Compromise

How does she do it? At age five, logic has not fulled forms, she has no concept of the cost of things, and most importantly, compromise is a word she hardly understands at all. To be sure, there are times when she doesn't get her way, but in terms of the big dreams, the big future, everything is possible. The sky is the limit, and if she can dream it, someday it will happen. In her world, tomorrow might be her birthday. Even when shown the calendar, it still might be tomorrow.

Also in February... The Case of the Missing Pockets * Fractured Facebook * Fighting Dress Code Erosion * Overconnectedness

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March

Carol The Cat (April 15, 1997-March 16, 2010)

Carol the Cat passed away today, a victim of two incompatible diseases common amongst cats - hyperthyroidism and kidney failure. Treating one would often result in the other becoming more pronounced and this tug-of-war just wreaked havoc on her frail, aging body.

Also in March... Hope * Five of My Distant Colleagues Killed in Pakistan * Bacon * Daddy/Daughter Day * A Starbucks Original (15th. Ave.)

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April

The Calm of Nothing

The blank page. The unforgiving blinking cursor. Staring you down. Daring you to take a stand, make a move, commit to something. Pick a topic, run with it. Only, that's not really happening. Like the page, my mind feels like a blank slate. I don't know where to start, I don't know where I'm going, so there's no way to figure out what comes in the middle.

Also in April... Pastiche * Dream * Church Groundbreaking * Thin Spaces * Fun with Aluminum Foil (photos!) * Hatred of Logic * Leno Can't Catch a Break * Giving Up at Work

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May

Missing Joe Cool

I was in a funk this evening. I hadn't seen one of these in awhile, but I was feeling sorry for myself in a big way. It hadn't manifested itself as clearly as some of the past cases, but that's what it was, I can see now, now that I'm on the other side of it.

Also in May... Disjointed * Tick Tock * Ending of LOST * Dear ABC * Dinosaurs in the Real World * Respect Mah Authoritah * It was like the difference between day and another day

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June

Higher Standard

It's no secret that I hold certain people to a higher standard. I don't think about it much until they fail that standard. Today someone that I do hold in really high standard said something in my hearing that was rather in appropriate. It was an off the cuff joke. It wasn't like an HR moment or anything, but it was still quite disappointing. I was in a place I wouldn't normally be and they knew I was nearby. I wasn't part of the conversation and but they also weren't in a private location.

Also in June... Couples Only * Late for Home * Rain, Rain Go Away * Rachel's Recital * A Lot of Settlin' Going On * In Plain Sight * Secret Agent Man

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July

So Long, 15th. Ave.

Saddened to learn via Crosscut that 15th. Ave Tea & Coffee is being re-renamed Starbucks. (If you look at the Street View for Google Maps, it's still showing Starbucks from before they renamed it 15th. Ave.) That was quick, articles from July 2009 talk about the pending change from Starbucks. Whiplash. Oddly enough, the domain for 15th. Ave. is streetlevelcoffee.com. Brand confusion, much?

Also in July... Eye-Fi Rocks * Amazon's Marketing Problem * Strike * Comcast Grumbles * What Are We Listening To?

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August

Simplify

Every time I go on vacation, I come back relaxed, a little more at peace. But all too quickly, reality reasserts itself. I'd rather stay on vacation, thanks. So, what to do, what to do. I know in the past I've looked at the idea of the reset and I've looked at new ways of storing stuff that makes putting away laundry simpler, but there's gotta be more. Frankly, the problem is clutter.

Also in August... A Thing A Day (short-lived) * Stupid King County Street Naming * Popes and Bankers Review

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September

Say My Name, Say My Name

I have this fear. I am afraid I will forget your name or mispronounce your name. So when I see you at work or I see you at church, I just say "Hey" or "Hi" or "Yo." Or if I've had too much candy, maybe a "Hey buddy" or "Howsitgoin'?" It's a stupid fear.

Also in September... Blockbuster's 11 * Where Am I? * Food * Eggsactly * What Kind of Seafood? * Comcast Responds (never did get that resolved, still think they're ripping us off every month)

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October

...That Would Be Great

And for as much as I've been self-identified as a pessimist, when it comes to people, I am an incredible optimist. I want to believe the best in everyone. I want to believe they all want to give 100%. They all want to work hard, they all want to learn and grow. They are all ambitious and committed. They all see it more than just punching a time-clock. I should know that's not true.

Also in October... Presentation Zen (Review) * Our Popular Flickr * Falling Off a Cliff * Looking at Isaiah * The Oasis * The Gift * Banned in Kazakhstan

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November

Shed

The first time I ever thought maybe I had a weight problem was in college. I think it was the summer between my junior and senior years, so probably 1991. Though I was still in college, I was working for an internet company (pre-startup). I had photoshopped a copy of my student ID and had emailed a copy to a colleague in Wisconsin who I'd (and to this day) never met in person. We were talking on the phone and he made some crack about always picturing me as skinnier.

Also in November... Word (so proud of this post!) * And Again * Trapped in My Head * Me of Little Faith * Vacation * Inertia * Fractured Facebook 3 * I fixed it * Elusivity of Simplicity * Getting It All Done *

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December

How Deep the Rabbit Hole

It's 1:25 am and I can't sleep. I'm going to regret it in the morning, I'm going to be very tired at church. I regret it already. I am tired now. But I can't sleep. I got some disappointing news today. It's not as bad as news some of my friends have received, or even as bad as past news I've received, but at this exact point in time, it's really disappointing news. So here I am, literally laying on the couch. Welcome to my therapy session.

Also in December... Rewired (review) * Hello, Sift * No Cookies * Flash Mob * Survivor Quitters * Nine Days of Vacation Challenge * If It Aint Broken - Break it!

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Past years:

2009 * 2008 * 2007a, 2007b, 2007c * 2006 * 2005

Q&A: Dream Vacation

December 20 - What is your dream vacation?


2014 - Somewhere with just Lori and no cell coverage while Lori’s mom and my parents together watch the kids.


2015 - No kids. - entered January 8, 2016


2016 - At home with nothing to do.


2017 - Joni & Friends comes pretty close!


2018 - A week somewhere with a three bedroom suite and minimal things to do. I’m curious if Sedona would fit the bill. - entered December 26

Want to track small aspects of your own life over the next five years? Get this book: Q&A A Day: 5 Year Journal

Recent Dreams

At the end of Back to the Future, there's this scene where the camera is low on the driveway and the Delorean pulls in.  In my Dream, however, it was a black car in the theme of KITT from Knight Rider, only updated to look relevant today.  (And no, I don't mean a Ford Mustang because from the back, those cars do actually look like a mustang - of the horse variety.)  Anyhow, this guy gets out and he looks really uncomfortable.  He's wearing jeans and a black leather jacket and his hair's been styled to look like David Hasselhoff's when he was playing the Michael Knight character (though, really, doesn't his hair always look like this?).

The car looked pretty cool.  It had the requisite heartbeat pulse in front, but some things about it, I would later discover, were just plain odd.  For instance, as if they had run out of time or something, the wheel rim designs, appropriately techy, were printed out on paper, glued to formcore and then taped to the actual rims.  And on the back was a 10x14" advertisement for a doctor's office, again, mounted to formcore and then mounted to the trunk.

The guy came to the door, I let him in, but he wasn't being all that clear as he walked around my house.  It seemed to me that he was intimating that the car was mine, but I wasn't sure if I had won it in some contest, or if he was going to suddenly ask me for a check for a couple thousand for delivery charges, or what. 

Anyhow, the house was really cool.  It was a ranch style, halls with low ceilings, leading into rooms with taller angled ceilings.   I don't remember specifically looking for skylights, but the entire house had lots of ambient light, very open and airy.  I mention this to say that I think I miss California.  It's winter here in Washington and it's a bit dark at the moment, even though now I am actually able to drive to and from work in daylight.

Anyhow, we ended up taking a test drive and then I woke before finding out if the car was really mine or not. 

But I did spend the day thinking about things... like the fact that the only color of car I'll consider buying is black and that when I bought my last car, most cars were boulbous and amorphous with no real style or shape, they were all blob-like bulbs, I felt like the Dodge Intrepid was the only car that still had some style, some lines to it.  (Well, that I could afford.  Ten years later, this still seems to be my price range, even though my tastes have grown up by about $10k.  Turns out I don't get the next new car but instead my wife's hand-me-down, but that's another story.)  Anyhow, was/is the Dodge Intrepid my Knight Rider car?

Thinking about cars made me think of the fantasy I always had in Jr. High and High School.  Sometimes, still on the bus on the way to school, I would daydream of being called away from school to do something important.  Before I was driving age, it would be a beautiful older girl in a convertible that would pull up alongside the bus, or right up onto the sidewalk of the school and call out to me to urgently get in and we'd race off to some crisis, leaving all those other kids behind at the loser school to waste the day.  Often, the girl would be wearing yellow.  (A 'Curious George' thing?)

Anyhow, as I got older, sometimes there would be multiple cars, one for her and one for me, dropped off by car carrier, or lowered to the ground on platforms suspended by chains under military helicopters -- she, sometimes, standing at the edge of one of the platforms holding on to the chain, being lowered with the car. (Daring.)

But cars have always fascinated me and my dreams often focus around them.

One dream that did not was one I had the other night where I was pretty sure I had killed someone.  That one, will have to wait because I need to go get ready for work.

Compromise

Children are smarter than adults.
How many children do you know with a full-time job and children?

Rachel wants to own as many dogs as they had in Hotel for Dogs.  And she wants to own a hotel for dogs and their owners.  And she's requested that we move to Canada so that we'll be closer to the Royal British Columbia Museum so we can go there all the time.

And that was just today's list.

I listen to her plans, her dreams and part of me cynically says "Good luck with that, kid."  And a small voice in my head says "Talk about all the dog food.  And the dog poop!"   Sometimes we will talk through an idea with her, but never in a way to shoot down her dream.  Almost always, instead of saying something cynical, I either sit in silence, envious of her plans, or I ask her to explain them to me in more detail, because sometimes they are just fascinating.  (Most of them aren't based on movies she's seen.)

How does she do it?  At age five, logic has not fulled forms, she has no concept of the cost of things, and most importantly, compromise is a word she hardly understands at all.  To be sure, there are times when she doesn't get her way, but in terms of the big dreams, the big future, everything is possible.  The sky is the limit, and if she can dream it, someday it will happen.  In her world, tomorrow might be her birthday.  Even when shown the calendar, it still might be tomorrow.  "You never know," she says cheerfully, rearranging her stuffed animals.  Nevermind that she's sitting on the brand new bunk beds she actually helped assemble.  Tomorrow could be magical, fun, be filled with relatives and brand new toys.  You never know.

And yet, as adults, we know.  I'll never travel in space, never become an architect, probably not even design and build my own home.  I'll probably never start my own business, become incredibly wealthy through wise stock purchases or even own a Delorean.  I won't adopt an infant of another race each time a child of my own is born.  I probably won't ever be a regular at an Irish put in Ireland in my old age.  Tomorrow will not be a birthday.  (Or, as I always hoped in high school, a military helicopter carrying an exotic sports car wasn't about to be dropped in front of me as I was summoned to some important mission.  Shut up, this was pre-Cody Banks.)

As we grow older, the choices we make have create a more narrow set of choices for our future.  I don't mean to be pessimistic, or even discount that some of my future choices may be limited by my own fear (like starting my own business).  And in some cases, I have willingly embraced limitations in search of a greater good, like being led here to Washington where we're able to live in one income without giving up too much, but without living at the same level we had allowed ourselves to be accustomed to.  But I'm just saying that's what separates us from our youth.  And it's not like we can explain that to them, in the hopes of helping them when it comes time to make defining choices because it would be illogical to them, or it would unfairly yank them to the other side of the fence.

I'm still hoping for the Delorean.  But even then, I'd compromise with a Tesla or a Fisker.

Desperately Seeking Susan

Actually, I'm not, she's (formerly known as Susan Cabrillo) in San Francisco, happily married, running her own headhunter business for the medical industry and apparently very successful.

But so many others I've wondered about, I don't know where they are.

I dreamt about Holly again last night. We were sitting in a classroom openly talking about what we thought was the field arrangement of some sport. There was a computer nearby that I could have leaned over and typed in the sport's name and found out exactly what the position was, but we were already openly talking and I thought that would have pushed us over the limit with the teacher who was currently ignoring our disrespect. Now, having awoken, I'm convinced the sport doesn't exist, that it was just made up in my head.

Holly shows up in a dream of mine every six to twelve months. Never sexual, never physical, never romantic. We just hang out and talk, or sometimes we just briefly pass in the dream and she gets maybe only a few seconds screen time.

She wasn't the one that got away, in fact I can't even remember if we actually ever went on a date. But, for me, she's come to symbolize nostalgia. Every time she pops up, I go to Google and start looking for all kinds of people from years' past. Last time I did that, I learned of Josey Peterson's death, so I really don't feel like searching for people. Plus, by now I've realized that a lot of these people live their lives off the grid, out of the spotlight because they're not involved in activities that end up publicized on the web, or aren't using the internet as a vanity pool for self-promotion.

So, this time around, I'm just going to list people I'd like to hear from. Maybe they'll search for their own name and come across this list. I intend to repost it frequently so that it's always fresh on this blog. In some cases, I could find these people by calling their parents back home, or by calling my parents, but (a) what's the fun in that, (b) I'm too lazy, (c) that's too weird and (d) maybe they don't want to hear from me.. that's fine. Plus, I could also check my colleges' alumni website, but that's not entirely acurate... for instance, according to them, I am a Dr. and an Esq. and I hold a PhD in Microrobotics from MIT.

I have but a few brief moments today, so the list will have people missing and very little info about why I'm hoping to make contact with them.

And here's some search words for Google, to get us started... Washington, Bremerton and Port Orchard and Silverdale. Tracyton Elementary School and then Fairview Jr. High School and then Olympic High School and finally Pacific Lutheran University. Oh, and Little Caesar's Pizza! Pizza! I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention South Kitsap High School, Central Kitsap High School, Bethel Lutheran Church and Warner Bros. Online. And for search purposes, James Lamb. Oh, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ultimate TV, UltimateTV, TV Net, UTV and the WB Network.

In no particular order...

1. Eric McGraw - last seen probably on graduation day from high school.
2. Glenn Krauss - El Camino
3. Holly Grellier - San Francisco
4. Jamey Peterson
5. Wendy Ehrlich
6. Becki Brunelli
7. Shannon Carvey
8. Tighe and Susan Carvey
9. Marshall B. "M.B." Miller IV
10. Robin something who liked cows
11. Chris Wilkinson
12. Doug Hahn
13. Andrew Alexander - Washington, D.C.
14. Adam Bargmeyer - Microsoft or Boeing ?
15. Darice Good - thespian ?
16. Paul Bates
17. Deryk Stilwell
18. Andrew Eichner
19. Patty Armstrong / Patty Hoem / Patty and Hayden
20. Richard Mar
21. Jamie Anderson
22. Kathleen or Susan Jacot
23. Joe Pennington ha ha just kidding. you suck, dude.
24. Scott Kim
25. Brian Fischer. Duh. Sorry, you should be right up there at the top with Glenn and Eric.
26. Eric Funk
27. Carol Maakestad - another duh, you should be at the top of the list
28. Pastor Robert Hoem

This is an incomplete list.

What I'm Reading 2

-1-

How to Sound Smarter -- Reader's Digest, September 2010

-2-

Fieldwork: A Novel by Mischa Berlinski - My Review: I couldn't get into it and actually didn't finish it. Read more...

-3-

Comfort Through Craftsmanship - Architectural Digest, July 2008

-4-

Nicola Bulgari’s American Gems - Architectural Digest, July 2008

-5-

Lance Armstrong's Home - Architectural Digest, July 2008

-6-

The Streamlined Search for Perfection - Architectural Digest, July 2008

-7-

Popes and Bankers by Jack Cashill - My Review: Took me a long time to read it. Read more...

-8-

Innovation: A New Method of Irrigation - Inc. Magazine, July 2009

-9-

Start-ups 2009: How to Build Your Dream Company - Inc. Magazine, July 2009 (Here's how 13 savvy entrepreneurs got their start - and how you can do the same.)

-10-

Six Questions to Ask Yourself Before Starting a Business

I Wish They Could Always Be Friday

Wow, I am wiped out. Weekend. Rah.

In most senses of the word, I'm only 30 minutes behind schedule. But in others, I'm probably closer to 45 to 60. It's been a day. I've been a week.

Let's start with roll-call.

The 1's and 2's - Tuesday WIN

Another J - Today's email. FAIL.

That department with that form. FAIL.

That department that insists we use their self-service tool and then rejects everything we do in the tool because we did the wrong stuff. EPIC FAIL. Next time I need you, I'll be in your office and we're going to use the tool together because I don't need your rejections. Now that, that's not efficient, but I don't like the hand slaps.

Same department, different tool - ULTIMATE VENDOR FAIL. I have never ever ever encountered a more absolutely and totally frustrating website ever. It's poorly built, its structure makes no sense, even the way it displays data makes no sense. It is absolutely the worst site on the internet from the perspective of actually getting anything done. And I've used Ticketmaster.com.

Ben2

I wonder if I'm limiting the value of doing these at night. I guess one of the goals is that to do free-form writing, first thing in the morning, you get everything out of your head so that you're freed up to be creative throughout the day. I wonder if I'm not freeing up anything, or if I'm giving my brain license go elsewhere while sleeping. If that's the case, then maybe I should stop -- a recent dream was far too close to home about my insecurities at work.

Anyhow, the big news of the day, that's why you're here. Our little guy turned two today. It was quite a bit of a non-starter. I took the day off, I like to do that when it's a family birthday, but Rachel still had school, so we didn't go anywhere special. We went to Target and Borders with Ben and bought his birthday presents, that's how behind we've been lately. But, the good news was that he showed absolute delight at something that we would have never considered. For one thing, it's 12-36 months. So while he fits right in the middle, it seemed a bit childish. But he giggled and laughed at what little of it he could interact with while it was still all wrapped up, so, yeah, he'll receive that on Sunday at his official family party.

Don't be a reactionary

Someone on LinkedIn posted a meme that said

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

 I think that statement is nice on the surface, but if you start to think, it's not good enough.

Don't live your life in a reactionary mode hostage to outside forces.

Give yourself time to dream, to think, to plan, to strategize and to execute based on what you believe, what you know, what you've learned.

Don't wait for an external catalyst - be your own motivation.

Yes, I must fully recognize two ironic caveats:

• This post is a reaction to something. 
• Now I've told you what to do.  Sorry.

Cross-posted to Linkedin.

Carol the Cat

Carol the Cat relaxing at one of her resort properties
(MSNBC undated file photo)

April 15, 1997-March 16, 2010

Carol the Cat passed away today, a victim of two incompatible diseases common amongst cats - hyperthyroidism and kidney failure. Treating one would often result in the other becoming more pronounced and this tug-of-war just wreaked havoc on her frail, aging body.

Carol led a long and varied life. Despite being one of the few EGOT winners, this was not well known beyond the small circle of friends she chose to associate with. She was very modest, keeping her awards at the back of her cat carrier, except for the Oscar which had to be repeatedly fished out of the cat box. Carol seemed to agree with the common prevailing thought that her award for 2004's "Metro Now" was simply a career achievement award after 2003's upset for in which her much more critically acclaimed turn in "The Almighty Sand Dollar." went unrecognized.  Carol would also gain fame for her critically acclaimed screenplay "Bonus Ares" which was on track to become a major motion picture before the untimely failed merger of AOL and Time Warner saw many green-lit projects canceled.

Carol displayed a penchant for seizing opportunities from a very early age but learned quickly how difficult it was working in a human-based financial world after seeing her "Jingle Cats" idea stolen after it was ruled that cats can't hold copyrights. Vowing never again to make that mistake, Carol retained the firm of Litigis, Mao, Clauw and Payne to handle all of her financial transactions for the rest of her life and began operating under the nom-de-plume "Jerome Furripants." Carol would ultimately release four albums that all went platinum.

Carol quickly turned the royalties into a vast real estate empire stretching from Los Angeles to Tokyo to St. Petersburg as well as ownership stakes in three major midwest sports teams, though she had no interest in sports herself.

Carol also developed an politics late in life, however, it was to become a dream unrealized. In an unprecedented turn of events, Carol found herself thrust into the limelight along with 500 other candidates for a special election for governor of the state of California. However, a statement on her blog declaring "Unions protect the lazy. Abolish unions and get back to work!" written in frustration during the recent writer's strike would prove to be her downfall.

Carol fled the state in disgrace seeking the colder climes of Washington state. Carol traveled to the new state accompanied by her associates Morticia, Cash, Tinsel and Barkley along with a group of humans. Morticia and Tinsel unfortunately passed away of kidney failure and hyperthyroidism, respectively. And Barkley the dog would also soon part ways for a new home.

A few years ago, Carol was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which led her to drop from 13 pounds to 4 before she was diagnosed and began Tapazole treatment (a pill forced down her throat twice daily). She regained several pounds and was again healthy until January when she began to again show signs of marked weight loss. This time, the diagnosis was elevated kidney levels. It was time for a new lower protein diet.

It also meant that she and Cash could only fed when they could be separated. So she would have to eat twice a day, locked in the laundry room. Especially in the beginning when she had trouble adjusting to the diet and threw up regularly. She seemed healthier for a little while but then began to lose weight again. By the weekend it was completely obvious things were going south and that she wasn't eating and yesterday I took some time off in the middle of the day to go home and collect Carol and take her to the vet for another examination. They did blood work and we took her home. She was obviously having trouble walking. Over the past few days, I was sure that we were nearing the end so I had spent a little more time with her, but it's hard to know if she was in a lot of pain or not.

This morning, it was obvious that we were incredibly close to the end. She was really unable to walk and at one point trying to walk on a pile of laundry, she fell over on her side and wet herself. It was very sad. I was pretty sure today was the day.

They called right away this morning with the news -- the kidneys were much worse. If we wanted, we could be taught how to inject fluid under her skin, but that would only buy us a few months, probably. There was also a more costly option, but there was no guarantee it would work. Or, it might be best just to "put her to sleep." That is a horrible lie we tell ourselves, calling it that.

But the options they outlined would have been for us, not for her. So after picking up Rachel from school, she brought the kids and met me at the clinic and, well, that was it. It wasn't quite as simple - they had trouble finding a vein, even tried shaving one of her legs before deciding even that wasn't going to work and bringing in a second person to help while they used a different vein lower on her body. She fought it, but it was obvious it was simply the situation she was fighting. This wasn't a disease or an injury she was going to bounce back from, her body was simply giving up.

So I held her head in my hands and talked softly to her at the end. We had made the unfortunate mistake of giving the kids food just before because they were both getting anxious so it was a little disappointed that Rachel was distracted because she had wanted to witness it, but she missed it.

Carol did go pretty quickly once they were successful in inserting into a vein. I told her that I didn't know if I'd see her again, but that I loved her and that she'd soon be free of the pain. And then she was gone. I just wish pets would close their eyes as they died as a final sign of release.

Carol the cat was named after the Youth Director at our church when I was in high school - a wonderful person who had a big influence on my life in those years and a lasting impact on my life ever since.

Guest Post: Letting Go of Dreams (Life with #Autism)

LAST PERSON BLOGGING -- When we found out that Ben had significant delays in nearly every area of development, we went through a grieving process. We had to let go of a lot of our expectations and hopes and dreams for him. We realized that life for and with him would probably not look like what we had thought it would. Growing up and making friends, playing with other boys at recess, having conversations and other things as basic as those are the things that I dream and hope for Ben now. Continue on to my wife's blog...

Quiet

Today was a good day. I have but one regret - I did not leave work earlier. It meant I haven't seen Lori much today because she had worship team practice tonight.

Did not go to bed early enough last night, had a weird dream where a co-worker complained about all my quirks but then woke up refreshed and feeling good. Weigh-in was the same as yesterday. While I walked, I cleaned up my iPad, deleting apps I don't use and consolidating until now everything fits on one screen.

Got to work and found out the two hour meeting was at 8:30 instead of 8. Got a good seat in overflow. And then someone several levels above me came and say next to me. I thought I wouldn't be able to use my iPad, but he explained he was in two important meetings simultaneously, so I gave him my better seat and he used his iPhone continuously so I figured the occasional peak at my iPad was ok. Another co-worker two down from me on the row was using his laptop. But, since everyone was in the meeting, it was pretty quiet. And then they ended the meeting early, and the speaker was engaging, so that was cool.

And then an hour and a half meeting later in the day got canceled.

Because Ben had been up so late last night (he had been sound asleep until I realized I hadn't put a nighttime diaper on him) Lori decided they wouldn't come for lunch today. So I got a tasty Hawaiian-style burger from the cheaper (barely) of the two Hawaiian places in town. I love Hawaiian food and we just watched this season of Hawaii 5-0, do I guess that I was kind of programmed to go there. The weather was awesome and the iPhone played awesome music and I had the sunroof open and it was nice to get away.

While I ate I cleaned up my contacts on my iPhone. If that doesn't flow over into Google, that will have mostly been a waste of time.

I had a touch-base on a complicated project but I knew I wasn't a blocker on any part, so I didn't even take any paper or my iPad because I knew no one would be expecting anything from me. BEST MEETING OF THE MONTH.

Oh, there was another meeting earlier in the day where I was supposed to go along but it was someone else's meeting. They couldn't make it but the other person still wanted to meet. It is one of my faves, so sure. We ended up talking for an hour and a half.

Near the end of the day, I had an inspiration and had to quickly code something. That was unfortunately what made me late in leaving but I think I just solved something that's been bugging me for years. I think the proof-of-concept will sell it. Of course, how to fund it?

I also remembered at nearly the last minute that I needed to put in a request for staffing for the project I'm overseeing. We'll see...

So the drive home was aggravating. Tacos for dinner. Then gave the little ones their melatonin and then had an interesting idea... Did they want to go for a walk? It was really nice - I ended up carrying him most of the way and his was very cuddly and close to sleep. We stopped and complimented our neighbor on his yard on the way in. They both went to sleep very quickly once we got home.

I tidied up my side of the bed to get it back to its clean state. I sat for a few minutes in the room. It was nice. Then I went outside and picked up all the flowers that had fallen off a bush and then pulled a bunch of weeds.

Then I came in and did some cleaning and watched some TED Talks. Then tidied the laundry room and now watching TV and doing some walking. Will do some reading later.

There is some repetition to my life, I guess. That feels a little odd, but I guess what's repeating is not bad. :)