Friday, July 12, 2013

Time of Death

I made a decision about a month ago that I've been wrestling with. Sort of. The decision makes perfect sense to me, I'm happy with it, it's made my life easier and more enjoyable. It's manifested itself in some recent blog posts, sometimes in introspection, sometimes in content I've been able to turn around and make into productive work-related topics.

However, in making the decision, it means (all else holding steady) I'll be asked a question in early January. I've been dreading this because I've been unsure of how to answer without committing career suicide but I will probably have to answer.

I still don't exactly have the answer, but a superbly clear, beautiful thought came to mind this morning in the shower. It's not the what of the answer, but it's the why or the how. Of course, it's too negative to even dive into since I know people responsible for my current or future paychecks might read this. But now it gives me a foundation to work from as I figure out how to answer the question.

It also explains something I've been resisting but it's so clear now, it's brilliant and undeniable and acceptance will make my life again, easier, in some ways. I guess I had been in denial or bargaining prior, but now to think otherwise would be folly.

But I can't go into detail about it. I don't have enough evidence to determine if it's localized to my immediate surroundings or if it affects other workplaces as well. And my evidence, while being what it is, would seem negative were I to write about it. And I'm not interested in appearing negative on this topic. Because for me, it's absolutely freeing. It doesn't change much but it explains a lot.

On the other hand, the question may not be asked. That would also be a good thing because it would just confirm what I think I know.

I hate not being able to give specifics because this feels so amazing, so profound to me. But it's one of those truths I don't think my world is ready for so I'll mostly keep it bottled up because I can still act on what I think I know and test this new theory.

This is awesome. I'm overjoyed.
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