Saturday, October 28, 2006

Man, what a day

Today has, by far, been the one of the most irritating days I've experienced in recent memory. On the whole of it, a majority of it centers around inconsequential materialism, but out of it has come not-so-material and not-so-inconsequential and I am just irritated beyond words right now. I guess you just keep moving forward because anything else wouldn't make any sense whatsoever, but beyond committing it to words here, I don't know what else to do. And writing it down really isn't doing anything to alter the mood I'm in and certainly can't fix things, material or otherwise. I've hurt, I'm hurt, things have been broken and I've broken things. And as great as things ultimately are, this is really not how I expected things to be ten months ago when plans started to take shape. It's different, and infinitely better, but in some ways, it's exactly the same. And that pisses me off. Because it makes me feel like a failure. And when something comes along offering the chance to change that and put things "right" something else comes along to make sure the status quo is maintained. And I just don't get that. I feel like so much of this is my own fault, even what's not and I'd really like that feeling to go away. I'm not to blame for everything. And in some cases, no one is. And at the same time something in the back of my head still points the finger back at me. If there's anything to be celebrated, I can still passionate about something material being damaged or destroyed (no, the car is fine). But it doesn't feel good and it's not well received. I never had much growing up. And what I did have, I worked hard for. And by working hard I mean that it took a lot of my time at low hourly wages to get what I had. Even if the work wasn't hard, it took a long time to get the money to pay for it. So now I'm an adult, things should be easier to pay for. There should be money for stuff. I know it's just stuff, but something breaking shouldn't be a big deal and should be something you shrug and replace. I'm conflicted and I feel like I can't even figure out what I want to say which probably is part of the reason I'm unable to feel any better about it. And so I let it color my entire day and spill over into other things. And even by sitting down here at the computer I'm not helping matters much. But it's probably the best place for me because I'm not making matters worse by being somewhere else. I thought at the very least, I could regain some sense or order, power, justice, whatever, if I could at least fix something I broke earlier this week. But that was not to be the case and instead now I'm just messy and dirty and I have a room to clean. Maybe that will have to be my salvation for this evening, at least I can vacuum and turn mess into clean and have some sort of control over the universe, or at least my little square corner of carpet. *sigh*
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