Studying earlier this week for small group, the reading asked "What is your idol?" That is, "What do you place above Jesus?" The book gave some examples and I thought "control" fit quite nicely.
We had another assessment with our son for therapy and that always makes me think about how I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD and probably somewhere on the autism spectrum myself.
I talked with a friend at lunch today about our social struggles. He as an extrovert who's always surprised at what comes out of his mouth and me as an introvert. We both end up struggling socially for different reasons but with the same results.
Small group tonight asked the question "What do you do in your quiet time?" I didn't understand and I wasn't alone. It also asked the question "What would you do if you found yourself waiting on a street corner for a friend and they were late and there was nothing to read or look at?" I thought I would be mad at my friend for making me wait and I'd be worried that I'd lost my phone.
It also asked the question "What do you have nightmares of? What do you fear losing most? What makes you get up in the morning?" I couldn't think of when I last had a nightmare. The closest thing I could think of is that sometimes I'm up against people who are hunting me or want to kill me or harm others. But it's not about me running or trying to flee, it's about me fighting, trying to get the upper-hand.
So am I my own idol?
It's weird... with all the technology, there is no more quiet time. From the moment I get up I'm checking my email and Facebook, then Wii Fit and TV/DVR and Google Reader. It is quiet in the shower. Someone suggested that's the only remaining refuge. That was interesting, so I thought about what I think about in the shower. It turns out that I either don't think of anything (zone out) or come up with really crazy interesting ideas for work. Is work an idol?
Then it's in the car. Waze gives me details about traffic while the iPhone plays music. Then I'm bombarded constantly at work. Maybe I'll take a run at lunch and listen to music. Or read a magazine while I walk. For the drive home I'll listen to a podcast from Saddleback and then flip back to music when it's done. It doesn't shut off at home and then after the kids are in bed, I might go for another run and then it's back to the Wii Fit with the laptop and the TV again. And then, finally, bed. Even on Sunday, even if I attend two church services, I hang out in the technical booth and even if I'm listening to the sermon twice and taking notes, I'm taking them for the purpose of putting them on my blog and another website.
I joked today that I felt like I had several areas under control and yet I haven't shaved in four days. So control might not be entirely it. If anything, it's only the illusion or perception of control - try to keep everything up in the air long enough to buy some time and hope that something comes up.
So if not control, perhaps it's that - noise, motion, activity... is that an idol? Am I drowning out God? Would attempting to create quiet time be yet another activity I cram into my scheduled, orderly, controlled life?
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