task frustration

 I consistently have more tasks than I can handle and I had yet to find a solution that really works. I track everything in Remember the Milk, a pricey web app that seems like it's been in maintenance mode for the past few years, but after investigating newer more modern platforms, it still seems like I need the complexity and flexibility that RTM offers. (This seems to be similar to how SFMC is a better fit for me than the more modern current ESPs.)

Usually I'll have over 100 taska and I'll get the most important stuff done, but there's a lot that will remain online. And like a lint roller, each day rolls on, collecting more stuff that needs doing. 

I've tried taking tasks offline to a lst of things I want to get done, I've tried nearly-religiously tracking the number of things I get done so that I can make that the max that can be on the list, I've tried planning out lists for upcoming days (which meant creating lots of duplicates). None of these have worked or been manageable long-term.

So, I don't know if this latest round is going to work or not: I'm trying to pare down what's allowed on future days. No future day can have 10 items on it before we roll into it. I'm still carrying over a list and a lot of items have recurrence, but when I cross them off and they reappear on a future day, I'm looking at the future day to decide if that really belongs on that day, or if it can be postponed.  

So now I'm doing a lot of postponing. Slowly the ball of rollover tasks is getting smaller and tasks of a lower priority are getting pushed further and further out. Like all my past attempts, I feel optimistic for this. But... like every time before, the hopefulness is slightly less. 

For instance, an "introspective, family or identity" blog post (like what I'm writing right now) is something that's supposed to happen approximately after two weeks. But the last time I crossed it off on my list looks to be early May 2024. When the big pile of rollover is too big, it's easy to ignore everything that's not urgent and let it all roll over and over and over.  Hopefully by protecting the future a little better I'll actually do the next one closer to mid-April 2026 vs January 2028. 

task frustration

task frustration continues to be the enemy of simplify. I boil down to what I think if a manageable list of things to do and then when I go to do them, there's something in my way.

I go down my list - nope, nope, nope, nope, can't do - usually blocked by someone in the way or someone in the space I need. Eventually I get to a point where I'm like like "f it" and then I do nothing. 

It doesn't feel great. I don't have a solution for it. Any high I had hoped to get from being able to cross stuff off is gone and instead I just wander around aimless waiting for bed. Or death. 

Well, waiting for everyone else to go to bed. Then I can leave the house and go on a long walk and listen to my audiobook or music and no one bothers me. 

And then I can come home and go to sleep and maybe try again tomorrow. 

But I've got about two hours before that can happen. It would be nice to do something useful and feel productive in the meantime.

unangry

In my last post I talked about what made me unhappy or that "unhappy" felt like a good catch-all for negative feelings.  I tried to look out for them over the next few days and I realized that often the emotion that surfaced was anger. Not like every-except-Hal on Malcolm in the Middle or Paul on Breeders level of anger, but anger none-the-less. I wondered if focusing on what made me unhappy might have the wrong effect as I tried to return to life after vacation.  

The reasons aren't new, they've been explored. Task interruption, task disruption, higher priorities and responsibilities, the times when I'm no longer in control. And that leads to frustration and anger. Or when I'm physically attacked or spit on by my child. Or even frustrations with work which don't exactly manifest as anger most of the time, but definitely frustration, anxiety and worry. 

I thought maybe to watch for the times when I felt unhappy might lead me to be able to start seeing when control is no longer mine, to figure out if there were specific things I needed to handle. (One thing I've learned but not always put into practice is attempting to write while others in the household are still up. This has been a huge source of frustration in the past - I can't always control when I'm inspired to write, but then when I get ripped away while I'm feeling creative or introspective can be so maddening. I'm being dumb trying to write right now, but I want to write. But, I'm at the keyboard fully aware that I could be pulled away at any moment, and I'm prepared for it and know it's a possibility I accepted by trying to write right now. If it happens, I can't get mad about it.)

I also went on vacation facing a perplexing problem. It was recently determined at work that what they need me to do now is not what I was hired to do. Needs have changed. That happens. It's believed that I'm still capable to do what's needed and they've expressed a desire to still work with me, but it's a change. I've been struggling with what that means.  

Thing is, I've been here before. I wasn't able to see it while it was happening before, but now that I've been through this at least once before, I now can recognize what's happening sooner, I can understand why and I can better prepare and examine my options and even more important: realizing that I have options.

In the most immediate terms, it's been things like:

• signing out of the optional messaging system (Slack) and only being available on the official messaging system (Teams)
• focusing only on tickets assigned to me
• not looking at Teams or Outlook outside of work hours
• not trying to think up or propose new projects

I was worried that it was going to feel like I was giving up or not being true to my nature but it has turned out to be quite freeing. And if it turns out I've taken it too far, they'll let me know that they do what more from me and that'll be nice validation to what else I can and have offered beyond. It's not quiet-quitting, it's not slacking-off, it's not doing my work, it's just not trying to lead from beyond my role. It's not fun, but if I'm doing what I've been told is needed, if I've been told I was doing more than they wanted, I guess it's freeing to be expected to do less. That's kind of rare in the workplace, but I still make sure that whatever I do is with excellence, even if it's less that I'd like, if it's what they want, perfect.

But I've also tried to look at home as well. I have a massive to do list which is never-ending. I sat down and looked at all the recurring stuff and where possible, I extended out the length of time between repeats, and I looked at if there was some stuff on my list I was never actually going to ever do and removed it, and in other cases, I realized there was stuff I was mentally carrying that wasn't even on the list, so I threw it onto the list. I also realized there's a lot of time that is truly mine and time I spend on entertainment or fun and that sometimes that's more important than chores, so I tried to start looking at what's really important and what I can reasonably get done in any given day. It's been freeing to preemptively admit there is stuff I won't get to and not even allow it to be on today's (or this weeks - or this month's) list.

And then there's my diet. I didn't follow it while on vacation, but it is absolutely within my control. And I'm making great progress. And it feels good. I did need that push from my wife also restarting her diet, but now we're both making progress and I'm going to crush this. Also a few weeks ago I was out for my nightly walk and came across a home gym someone had left on the curb. I went home, grabbed my furniture dolly, wheeled it home, left it in the front of the driveway for a week and after no one came by and accused me of stealing it, I moved it into the backyard and while I haven't started using it again since coming back from vacation, it's only a matter of time before I pick it up again and move beyond just dropping weight but also adding muscle. 

And sure there's still stuff outside of my control... the weather, rude neighbors, the glacial pace of this attempt at home renovations, the end of our country, bad behavior by my kid, but there's so much that is within my control that a lot of the anger, frustration and anxiety (the "unhappiness") just didn't come back after my vacation. And it's been phenomenal. 

Did I have to stop during this post to go and help a family member with something while I was writing this? Absolutely. Did it cause me negative feelings? Nope. I was prepared for it to happen.

Happy Meh Year

I read somewhere that if this were the 1900s, I'd have reached the average lifespan for my gender and race. But I guess with advancements in science and medicine, now my age only puts me at 66% completion based on the current averages. I guess we're supposed to be grateful.  

So, I guess around we go again. 

I have this thing about thermostats.  I think they should only be set to numbers like 70, 72, 75, 78 or 80.  Any other numbers and you're just being too picky.  I guess if I apply that years as well then I suppose I should plan to be back here in another year making another post because 2024 is a non-number. Hopefully that means we can make it a bit of a quiet year.  I don't know if that's possible with the election coming up later this year, but I'm not running for office and my vote doesn't count, so what do I care?

I don't want to stand out, I don't want to make a name for myself, I don't want to make waves. I don't want any big changes. I really want this year to be meh. It feels like I get more and more tired so if we can just have a nice quiet non-year that's my goal. I'll read some books, lose some weight (hopefully) and see some home improvement projects completed (office fully drywalled and possibly ceilinged, a door professionally installed where we're missing one currently, a tree removed, pickets added to the front porch, maybe some furniture built), but yeah, I really want an unimpressive, quiet, under-the-radar year.

Here's to meh.

Abrupt, Unanticipated Destinations

I saw an old couch on the side of the road yesterday and it sparked a new thought in my head.  

I realized the couch had reached its destination, but that its utility had been in the journey. I finally understood, kind of, that saying about the journey being more important than the destination, or however the saying goes.

I've always hated the saying. For me, destination equalled something I wanted, something I was looking forward to.  The journey was torture, the waiting, the anticipation (and the possibility that the destination may not be a good enough payoff for the journey). I tended to take "journey" quite literally like family road trips, or junior high, high school and college -- times where I always felt I was "waiting for my real life to begin."

But I realized I had that same mentality when it came to work. I tend to leave jobs on other people's terms. There was one place where I thought I would work there until I retired. Once a year we'd have our service awards and someone who had been there 25, 30, 35 years would get up and give a speech.  I was amazed and how much they gave given towards the success of the organization and I imagined myself one day up there on stage giving a speech myself. But after eight years, they'd had enough of me and kicked me to the curb. In retrospect, that was good as my wife said I was probably clinically depressed for my last two years there and some pretty phenomenal things have happened since then. 

But this isn't about that, this is about me sitting on the curb, used up, discarded, told I was no longer valuable to the organization I had given eight years of my life to. I had quit my job, moved our family 1,100 miles to a new state because I thought God had told me, and then thought my employment with this organization (a Christian non-profit) was confirmation that I was following God's direction.  It's entirely possible that this was true at the time. (Moving my family back 1,100 miles since then has been great, but again, not about that.)

Because sitting on the curb (or rather, sitting in Costco getting a new cell phone since I had turned in my company-issued phone earlier that day), I questioned what was the point of it all. I couldn't see the journey, the contributions, how I had been instrumental for a time, perhaps what the organization needed, possibly even some aspects of my work living on after my departure, all I could see was -- as they say on American Idol -- I had come to the end of my journey. 

And the destination seemed pretty crappy.

But when I looked at the couch yesterday, I realized that it wasn't a bad investment because it was being thrown out, that it had been desired, specially chosen, and then served dutifully for who knows how long, through scary movies, exciting video games, distressing breaking news.  It may have been enjoyed by kids or pets or served as a temporary home for someone. It might have seen multiple homes. For that couch, it was definitely all about the journey and not the destination.

If life is a journey, there's quite a bit that's not so fun about our current journey, I find myself not so much wishing for my final destination, but knowing whenever it comes, it's going to be heartbreaking (and cruel) for those I leave behind. Not because I'm going to exit in a cruel way but because I'm responsible for people who will never be able to take care of themselves, one of whom won't understand why I'm no longer around.

So this whole journey/destination thing applied to my life is still a struggle for me to make sense of, but I think I can now better understand how to handle sudden destinations not of my choosing.

Bring on the Coronavirus

It's been too long since I've recorded notes. I've been busy, I've been discouraged and any notes might have gotten me flagged by the secret service or referred for therapy. Maybe today will be a little calmer. I stayed home sick from work today. I've struggled with sleep issues ever since we had children and a decade and a half later I've finally started getting treatment for it. It's hard to know if it's working. I think it is. We also bought a much firmer mattress a few days ago and I think that's helping as well. Except last night I stayed up too late reading, couldn't sleep, and then had to get up multiple times with our son. So I was exhausted this morning and knew if I went to work I'd be crabby, tired, not thinking clearly and the drive would be a struggle. So I stayed home sick.

And thought I had found some time to write. But even this has already been interrupted with a rather lengthy unplanned family-related task. And I hate being interrupted when I'm writing. It's one of the reasons I write less, because I realized interrupted writing isn't worth the anger it generates, so I try to save it for a time when the likelihood of interruption is near zero.  Today, I was wrong.

Yeah, so I've been really discouraged lately. While certainly not the worst in human history, we are at a really low point in our nation''s history. We are divided, full of hate, and evil is winning. I say evil is winning because the spirit in this country right now is one where people are only looking out for themselves, except when they can control others. And a large group of people have been convinced that things are going in their favor while in many ways, the protections are being eroded. 

And then there's this whole slow moving pandemic. I guess it's spreading less than the flu, but its ability to spread has a really low bar. I'm not sure how both of those are true. I think I sort of know. But, interestingly, it's also sparing children. Apparently the weird cocktail of germs and antibodies in kids is enough to arrest the virus for most of them.

I felt better today. I'm really tired, but staying home meant a slow day (I still participated in a conference call), working in the yard, cleaning up some email, getting some other stuff done off my to do list. The idea that it could all be for nothing if I end up getting sick and dying in the near future makes me want to just spray groundclear across everything and then throw the whole lot in the greens can, except that I know my son likes playing in the backyard and that our neighbors like how our front yard looks (though they probably wish I was faster on weed patrol).

I just keep circling back around to being tired. Tired, discouraged, defeated, ready for bed. A wish to sleep for a long, long time.

On My Minimalism

So my birthday is coming up.  My daughter recently observed to my wife that I am a minimalist.  My wife agreed, and as such, said I'm incredibly difficult to buy gifts for. I thought I would look into this a little more. I found some great thoughts on this website, unfortunately after a great bit of thought, they then immediately went to things you could buy.  An excerpt:

Minimalists want to keep clutter to a minimum so that they can better enjoy their lives. They know that if their home and schedule are cluttered with things they don’t love and need, they are sacrificing space and time for the things they do love and need. 

People who practice minimalism are often looking for ways to simplify their lives. They want to be surrounded by things that they absolutely love…ONLY what they absolutely love.  

For minimalists, it’s about priorities. If you know a minimalist enough to know what their priorities are, start there. You should be able to come up with some appropriate, and very much appreciated, gifts for the minimalists in your life. 

Minimalists aren’t necessarily opposed to receiving more things for their home, but it’s best to ask. After all, minimalists definitely want to keep clutter to a minimum. If you aren’t a minimalist, but you want to buy something for a friend or family member who is, you must consider their lifestyle. You could buy them something that makes their life easier. Or maybe something that makes their life more enjoyable. To do this, you need to know their hobbies and interests, as well as their needs. 

So.. what do I love? Getting away. Vacations and long weekends. Why? We spent time together, we play together, we eat together, we worry less. We're not constantly looking at an overflowing to do list or trying to get our daughter to finish her responsibilities. We explore, we discover, we are surrounded by a clean environment (apartment and rental car).  We're not creating clutter, we clean as we go, and the only new stuff that comes into our living space is stuff we bring back, not unwanted clutter like old papers or unwanted mail. In general, we have less.

We are surrounded by art, landscaping, things that are complete. Rather than piles upon piles of incomplete. And if something does need help, usually a quick phone call and someone else comes and takes care of it. Everything is quieter. The pantry is simpler. And did I mention there's no mail? Even the time in the car is better. It's not our own traffic in our way, and we're not in a hurry to get somewhere on a schedule. Instead, it's just our journey towards whatever we're going to explore, or back to homebase to regroup and prepare for the next adventure.

What do I hate? So many things unfinished. So many demands on my time. So many things stacked in piles in progress because that's the best place to put them.  Some of this is the limitations of our small house and limited storage, some of it is the nature of too much stuff but some of it is just the way we process things in progress, like my giant pile of books to read. On vacation, I'll only have one or two, or I'll just have my Kindle, I won't have the massive pile like is currently on my nightstand.

And then there's the anxiety of the world intruding on our lives. School, work, the rest of the world. Social media.

What is a gift? Less things unfinished. Less clutter. More things accomplished, cleaned up, put away, checked off the list. More time together, more exploration, more discovery. Simplicity. Things getting better. Piles getting smaller. To do lists getting shorter. Fresh air, singing, happy, silly, being present. Eating on the patio.

When we're on vacation, it's a break from the pressures of this world. Of what the future holds.  Bills that will come due, the living arrangements for our son in the future, especially after we die. Our estranged relationships with extended family. There are people who take care of things, whether something needs repainting, something needs weeding, etc.

Does this actually yield gift ideas? Not so much. And really, isn't quite a bit of this within my control? Isn't there ways I could reframe things so that I'm not being so selfish with my time, that I'm not wasting time on things that don't help piles to get smaller, being present, not filling my time, and so on? Yes.

So how does this help someone who wants to get gifts for people who are impossible to shop for?  It's probably the following:

• Shared Experiences - exploration and discovery, chances to experience new things. The gift of time.
   
• Indulgences - the opportunity to treat yo' friends - food, artwork, new landscaping, treatments for the mind and body
   
• Help - someone else to share the load when it comes to tackling the never-ending list: painters, landscapers, housekeeping, consultation with financial advisors or life coaches or job advisors and resume writers, baby-sitting, errand-running, coach/trainer/dietician for weight loss
   
• Elimination - identifying anything that the recipient feels is a responsibility placed on them that's not really their responsibility. If it can be discarded, that's one thing. But it's something the minimalist feels strongly about, then may not simply be eliminated, it may need to be addressed (see "help").   Is there physical stuff that's causing the minimalist anxiety... can it be eliminated or stored elsewhere?
   
• Technology - like help, is there some device that will take over a task or make a task easier? I know in our house, all the Alexa-enabled stuff and the RoboVac are good examples of this.   

I would like to thank my family for making me think about this question -- and (and this is huge) for letting me have the space to retype my handwritten notes from earlier today, turn them into a blog post, and reflect on my own participation in improving things, because a lot of this has aspects that I can address on my own and treat myself to more simplicity. 

who am I today?

Who I am, my identity, is something I've tried to understand and write about over the years. Clearly, it hasn't been something I've made a priority, as it seems like so many posts start out this exact same way.

So, who am I today?  Well, it's a Saturday.  So I'm a coffee drinker and my Pandora station of the day is Saturday Morning Coffee. With the wife and daughter off seeing the latest Avengers movie, I've been at home with my son.  He's had a chill day of watching acapella groups on YouTube and hanging out outside.  At the moment, he's gone over to visit his grandma, so I've grabbed the laptop, gone out to the patio and thought I'd just write a little bit.  The skies are blue, there's a breeze, the sun is out and the palm trees are rustling and the birds are chirping.  Going to sit down at the table, I scared a squirrel who was hanging out on the table.  Beautiful Southern California day.  I've shaved, gotten some things done off my to do list and also not been stressed out or anxious about all the stuff I think I need to do.  Have knocked a few things off my list that have been there since we moved.  The list will always exceed what I can do, but I'm not going to stress about it.

So, who am I today?  I'm chill.  I'm going to get some stuff done, but I'm not going to make my whole Saturday into a crush of self-imposed busyness.  I'm going to stop eating cookies and banana bread, have some carrots and veggies and drink my water and take my vitamins.  And prepare for the noise that will herald the return of Lori and Ellie so that it doesn't feel like an interruption or disruption to my plans.

Happy weekend, friends!

Notes

I took my notebook with my today to just down some action items and wouldn't you know it, I started writing down other stuff, too.  I wish I had more time to unpack it, but it's getting late and I want to read (and Lori's going to ask about the loud typing on this keyboard).

In our Sunday school class we've been looking at the Articles of Faith (?) for the Nazarene Church - how they explain and interpret what they believe.  It was an interesting focus today on sin - sin in the world versus when we personally choose to sin, either by action or in the thoughts that we harbor or nurse. Also some interesting thoughts on accidents, mistakes and other things that would be sin if they were done intentionally.

We got into the thoughts of "It's All About Me" versus "It's Not About Me at All" - absolutizing and negating, pride/selfishness and self-rejection/rejection-of-God - I matter versus nothing matters. It was interesting that both represented a wrong focus.  I wish I could explain it better.

At first I was feeling "how is this not legalistic?" but the more I listened, the more I realized it was thoughtful, Scripture-based reasons (why) for the interpretations they had arrived at and not a list (how) of rules that you had to follow. I appreciated that the church also meets every four years to discuss the Articles to make sure they still represent their best most current understanding of Scripture.  There was also the analogy that we have to be careful, that if we focus too much on the Bible, it's like someone pointing at the moon and we focus on the hand pointing instead of what they're pointing at.

We also touched on systemic sin, when it's baked into the culture or process of a company, government or church, any time that by design (or neglect) a system comes to oppress, take advantage or exclude people.  His example was a clothing company that profited at the expense of its workers and their working conditions but all I could think of was Wells Fargo.

After Sunday school, we went to church and I had the revelation that it's been a long time since I've been on the outside looking in.  I've been really pretty involved in all the churches I've attended, well, practically my whole life - from Family of God to Silverdale to Bethel to Lake Avenue to Our Saviors - every time I've had volunteer, leadership or staff roles, some kind of input, some kind of behind-the-scenes type of service. So far at this church, I've been much more of a consumer (something I was once accused of at another church, laughably, guess they'd forgot that I'd served on the council and ran audio and actually led a few of the church services for all but the preaching), but yeah, at this church so far I've been a show up, participate, contribute money attender, but I haven't volunteered, I haven't served, I haven't given of my time.  I felt a little bit guilty, but I'm also a little bit in awe of how this church seems to have it altogether, lots of volunteers, polished videos, great graphic design, lots of volunteers (worth mentioning twice, seriously, wow).  I wondered if I would think differently if I did get more involved, did see more of behind-the-scenes, or if this church just really really has it all together.  The same idea I think that makes me think I wouldn't want to work for Disney.

I was also struck again by just amazement / awe / gratitude that we live in Southern California again. I love it here. It's just overwhelming in a good way to be here.  I think I'm risking not appreciating it, though, being so busy and not making time to really get out and experience the community.

So many Seattle - talked to a number of people today who are from Seattle or who had recently travelled there.  Turns out the music director grew up there.  Started the service by commenting on how today's weather was what you'd get for many weeks in a row.  True... gray and rainy. Didn't care for it.

I should stop for now. I have more things, but I've been typing for almost 20 minutes now. That's enough clicking and clacking.

My poor, neglected blog

For not having a commute anymore, life seems to have picked up in terms of crazy busy and I'm not even exactly sure how or why.

I've been at the new job for nearly a month now and it's just flown by.  Even today I thought it was Wednesday and it turned out to be Friday.  Is work supposed to be this fun?

It's been incredibly hot these past few days.  Miserably warm at night to the point where it's been difficult sleeping.  Or difficult just laying there wishing I were sleeping.

We got an XBox this week.  I haven't had a chance to play with it that much, but I figured working for a video game company, I surely out to own something newer than the dusty Wii.  

I feel like I've been barely keeping track of everything and I think it's the lack of sleep.  It's been making me not that interested in doing very much.  Even this will probably be short.  I'm writing as I exercise, but my brain doesn't want to go the trouble be creative, insomuch as random thoughts from my head could be considered creative.

I'm back on my diet and tracking my calories (again) after too long a gap.  Still have 8 pounds to go.  It's taking forever because I haven't been taking it seriously.

I think I'm going to stop here. The act of trying to form coherent sentences is making me sleepy. Maybe that's what I'll do if I can't sleep tonight - come on here and write some more.

On the subject of gifts....

I started to write an email and decided it worked better as a blog post. (What's below is not the email, I deleted that and then the first draft post as well.)

So why write about giving me gifts at all? Is that presumptuous of me? Greedy? Self-serving?

I hope not.

I don't want to be prescriptive about what people should or shouldn't give me, but I want to be helpful.  If I simply said "Don't get me anything." I know I would be sad (I like gifts/surprises) and some people would be sad (they like giving presents) or they would be offended (either because they weren't planning on it or because who am I to tell them what to do? They'll show me. Now they're going to get me twice as many gifts. OK, I don't see that happening.)

Here's a few of the things in my mind that might give you some ideas hopefully without being prescriptive. Lori can also probably decode these if you're curious to learn more but don't want to ask me.

Seattle - I love Seattle and love celebrating it, I love spending time in it.  

Food - I've dropped 42 pounds but really struggling with the last 8. Still, there are some special treats I enjoy, like items from Pike Place Market or Made in Washington that wouldn't normally appear on Lori's menu. Lori and I have also had fun recently buying small samples of various cheeses from Trader Joes as a way of trying new things.

Clothes - I'm in the early stages of coming up with a "style" - a much smaller wardrobe of quality pieces that all fit together for consistency with a singular look, color palette. 

Time with our family and friends - We (either all four of us, or just Lori and I or just the children without Lori and I) don't get to spend as much time with family and friends as we'd like.  Invite yourself over or invite us over.  A lame excuse but it's a step above survival - we're not thinking at that level. Please reach out to us. We're not intentionally being hermits.

Time with a child - Lori and I don't get enough chances for focused time together with a single child. If you'd like to borrow the other for an afternoon, evening or sleepover, they come with instructions. (Or just hang out at our house while we're out with the other child. Ben has been a bigger recipient of mom and dad time to date.)

Time with just Lori - while Lori and I do enjoy far more date nights than your typical parent of special needs children, we welcome ideas on how to spend that time (if you want to send us to a unique restaurant, a performance or a worship concert, those are all great ways to gift us)  

Stuff - I'm fighting a battle with clutter, we have limited surfaces and Ben's started pulling things off the walls. Would I grab it in a fire?  Alternatively, is it a non-food item I will use (but wouldn't necessarily buy for myself), some kind of little luxury? Otherwise, the "stuff" that I'd put on a list are not the stuff of gifts: a new furnace, permanent wiring for generator, hot water heater, windows in basement, new retaining wall, redoing the kid's bathroom, etc.

Future - Our future is uncertain, but there's the potential that Ben could be with us the rest of our life and then need care after we're gone. Anything with a thought towards that is a heartwarming blessing of a future we're cautioned not to dwell upon but still does linger as something to be considered.

Beyond me - there are people in situations I can't even really comprehend - around the world or here in our community, many of whom would probably even do a better job of being truly grateful for a gift. If I'm difficult to shop for or I've just put forth a bunch of annoying rules that suck the joy out of it, there's always shoeboxes and angel trees and food banks and charities.

Mayday

Another month has come and gone. It was a busy month, but a month where I turned a corner. Leadercast was a phenomenal experience that made me think a lot. Some people say it wasn't as good as the previous year, but I got a lot out of it.

I did not post enough in May, I ate more than enough in May, I did not exercise enough in May. Our yard got much better looking in May. The weather was really phenomenal in May. I haven't read enough. I am slogging my way through one book while several others on my nightstand creep towards being due back at the library. At this stage, I'm just storing them for the library. *sigh*

So I'm doing my end-of-the-month review a day late, it's the end of the day on June 1 as I write this, but that's fine, because this month is set into motion well. (Note: backdating it to last night so that it appears in the correct archive.)

On Friday Ben had won an award at school so I took off work a little early to go to that. And then I worked from home and when it was time to punch out, I went outside with Ben. Having no commute would be awesome. You'll find a blog post full of photos from our time outside below (Hello, Summer). Yesterday was a combined family party for our children. Other than Ben spilling a million drinks (we think we won't serve beverages at future parties), it was a real nice time and it was fun to see so many children in the house and so much family. Today we went to the early service at church as a family and then Lori went and took a rest. She's been feeling cruddy for a couple of weeks now with something she's been unable to shake. I hung out with Ben and Rachel disappeared into her room to play with her Legos. She hasn't given us the money yet, but with a little bit of her birthday money added, she's saved up enough to get a Kindle.

Even though I stopped the weekly recaps of my attempts to get a handle on my chores, I still continue to attempt to make a workable system. Today I sat down and whittled and whittled and whittled until I had a list of 75 things I want to get done this month. Big items that there are lots and lots and lots of, I chose the most deserving 75, ranging from washing a set of curtains to changing smoke detector batteries to starting to paint the outside of the house. I had to be ruthless in my cutting and they don't show up on my daily stuff, but I printed them out. I feel good about the list.

I also went running today. 1.5 miles. Small, but it's been way too long. Time to get back to it.

Feeling good. Still struggling in more areas than I'd like to admit, but not going to let those control me.

My Favorite Posts for May

• Hello, Summer
• Regret is a Choice
• Intentionality

Top 5 Posts (Previous 30 Days)

• How To: Fix a "TE Error" on an LG-WM2277HW (part 1 of 2)
• Book Review: Outpost
• Nintendont (A Work-Related Post)
• An @Amazon Horror Story
• Worth Repeating: Rupal Patel

Regret is a Choice #leadercast

I was reading #Leadercast tweets on Friday and came across this one. Ever since then, "regret" has been rolling around in my head, waiting for me to tease it out.

So right, @TrinaKLee - I tell my daughter boredom is her choice and fail to realize regrets are of my own making/inaction. #leadercast
— James Lamb / tvjames (@tvjames) May 9, 2014

There was suddenly a flash of recognition. That's what I love about events like these - where you can get away from the typical every day and be forced to think differently. And so I've been thinking about regret. What it is, and what it isn't.

Regret is a choice.

I can be sad about things that have happened. Lament, despair, mourn. But regret is different. Regret is active, present tense. Regret is self-incrimination for a failure to act or for a failed act. I regret that I... I regret that I never... I wish I hadn't... If only I had had the courage to...

Armed with this knowledge, we can set about to right that which we regret. We may find ourselves in circumstances of our own making - whether years in the making, or ones that will take years to clean up. But they are ours.

If we can choose to regret, we can choose to change.

etsy.com

I'm choosing to change. I've lived too long feeling bad about circumstances that I wrongly felt were outside my control. They are in my control, I was just using excuses. The man was keeping me down, but I was the man.

Enough of that. Time to live without regrets.

The Ladder Fallacy (A Work-Related Post)

We have been taught to climb the ladder from a very early age. The last two churches we attended even called the seasonal Sunday School class changes "Promotion Sunday."

In school, we go from grade to grade. The ascent is slightly predictable... each year a new grade. Rare is the child who takes longer or who climbs quicker, both are outliers, if not outcasts. When you get to college, you have a little more control, but more-or-less, 2 or 4 years and it's on to the next thing.

It was the thing to do, right? Or at least I thought so.

Of course, that was before I entered the workforce professionally. At my first company, I was hire #1, there from the beginning, we met in my apartment before we had office space. Next, a little more corporate, a little more established. I was hired in as part of a team and it wasn't long before I was responsible for the team. I didn't exactly know what I was doing and my boss wasn't too thrilled I was having team meetings without her.

After that, a volunteer gig turned into a contracting gig turned into a nearly-full-time job turned into a full-time-job. I didn't have staff, but there were a few volunteers, one of them really dedicated, working for me. After that, my current job. For awhile there, it seemed like I was getting called into a conference pretty regularly and given more authority and a better title and more money.

And then it stopped.

Attempts to take matters into my own hands and make big plays for what I thought was the next thing failed miserably. I got moved around, helped in a number of areas, righted some ships, navigated some different leadership opportunities, but it was all on paper, no title change, no change in pay beyond the yearly increases (when we had them) and occasionally a summer bonus (though there's been a draught there, too, lately).

If you've been with me, you know April last year was extremely hard on me. I was marginalized, passed over for a position I was sure was mine and my boss' boss who had often previously sought my opinion on things was now rarely coming to me with questions. And when he did, it was more of a punch in the gut. "Hey, James - I need your opinion on something," he said one day, "where should your new boss sit?" I didn't know if I was going to still be working there, but I looked at my options and felt the struggle within the known was more appealing than the complete unknown (and undoubtedly longer commute).

Fortunately, that proved to be the right move. Things improved, my new boss was infinitely more qualified than I was for the role and he inherited all kinds of really complex headaches. Now, to be sure, I have my share of headaches, but I'm grateful they're nothing like his. (Plus, he has me on his team and I'm a pretty good guy to have around.)

And then I read Guy Kawasaki's Enchanted (my review) and Cal Newport's So Good They Can't Ignore You (my review) and I started to realize trying to climb the ladder was only making me unhappy. Why not, I thought, just be happy where I am?

Why not, indeed?

Suddenly, everything changed. Or possibly changed back. While I was getting regularly called into conference rooms, I wasn't being ambitious, I was just working hard. When I stopped getting called into conference rooms and started trying to make my own ladders, that's when I started to get discouraged.

Depending on how you look at the stats, 1/3 to 1/2 of my life is in my rearview mirror. I've probably got about 20-25 more years of punching a time clock ahead of me. We can't all be CEO. And if we're all gunning for the CEO's job, there's going to be lots and lots of disappointed people. Besides, if the headaches my boss has are any indication, they only get worse the higher you get.

So, not that I don't want a promotion, not that I won't be ready at some point to take on the types of headaches my boss deals with, but I'm better served to, as they say, "bloom where I'm planted." Get really good at what I do - get really smart about the technology, get a lot of practice managing, take a serious look at the areas I could improve, work to improve them, and most of all, make sure that when I leave work each day that I'm satisfied - that I did a good job, that my team is moving in the right direction and that the absolutely most important things in life are actually still ahead of me at home: my family.

And you know what? People can see the difference, they've said so. And I changes the way I manage and lead my team and I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a difference there already as well.

The Examined Life

My digital footprint grows with every step, literally. An app tracks my every step, prompting me to drink more water, and plays a happy tune when I reach my step count. A different app tracks my runs and yet another my sleep habits. I have an app that can measure my heart-rate. I track my caloric intake. 

An app tracks my drive, suggests a route and predicts my arrival, another texts my wife when I'm close to home. At least one and probably two devices track my car regardless of who's driving or as it sits, bored, waiting for me in the parking lot. 

The phone company and NSA tracks my cell phone. And if you've followed my blog, you know I review books and have an app that I use to track my to do list. Alarms tell me when to leave for work, chime all day for meetings, when to go to lunch, when to go home, when to go exercise and when to go to bed. All the music I listen to is tracked, each new play or skip altering the contents of the playlist.

It's interesting because it's a lot of data. Bits and snips, zeroes and ones, left all over the internet. It's that interesting question between data and information. Can I make something of this? Should I make something of this? Some people have made neat infographics out of their data, how much running or how many pints they consumed in a year, how many times they wore purple, whatever. 

While I'll continue to track, for now, it's only for use in the now, in the moment. I don't have plans to build it into an infographic, to turn it from data into information. If I did, I wonder what I'd learn. For one thing, it would probably point to how lazy I am. Because it would probably be the work of an app invented by next December that aggregates all the data for me.

So why track? For now, it's entertainment, it's amusing, it's a toy. At some point maybe it gets interesting and useful. But for now, little trinkets to keep me honest about my diet and exercise (when I start using them again after this shameful Christmas break) and little toys to make my drive more interesting.

Would be interesting to see what the NSA thinks of me.

Looking ahead...

I don't think "simplify" was entirely successful. I didn't apply it regularly and it was a little vague.

A new year was time for a new approach anyhow. So I've struggled about how to approach this. My typical M.O. was to start making a list. It was starting to become a complicated list. And that's absolutely the wrong approach. So I threw it out and made it a much smaller list.

If I want serenity, simplicity, serendipity, I need focus.

2014 = focus.

Two-Thousand Thirteen

It's been a busy year. I made it a goal to post every day this year, but I wasn't going to actually announce that goal just in case I decided it was a bad idea. Well, I did it. I'm not sure I want to do that again next year, but I want to avoid doing what I did previously - 381 in 2011 and then only 174 in 2012. I'm also pleased to have done 32 books reviews this year. I was not consistent in making a post each month with some of my favorite photos from the month. I still like the idea, it just took some work, so I can't say it's a goal to do it this year, either.

January 2013

January was fun, but challenging - as far as writing regularly, that is. I participated in Katrina and Lindsey's BlogADay. So every day there was a new topic. I really enjoyed some of them such as:

• Mood Board
• Advice
• Top Ten Fail Jameses for The Day
  

February 2013  

A birthday (mine), a trip to Miami, and then a blur, apparently. Some favorite posts:

• What God Says
• Idea: Business Model
• How to Save Best Buy

March 2013 

It seems like this ended up being a year without a lot of personal details, despite all the posts. I think maybe too much of it was scheduled in advance or something. Some favorite posts:

• Alignment (A Work-Related Post)
• Pick a Card, Any Card (Life with #Autism)
• Oh wait... I guess this particular week I did provide a lot of details.

April 2013 

I started the month in a really, really bad mood. I had the week off and spent it really contemplating my future and wishing I had planned ahead and scheduled job interviews. Instead, I got some coaching from my pastor and a few people on LinkedIn. By the end of the week, I decided I wasn't going to quit. The next week, my new boss started and I quickly came to appreciate that he was much better suited for the job.

• Being Helpful (A Work-Related Post)
• Did TV Ruin Books?
• Haircuts (Life with #Autism)

May 2013 

Ben's birthday was this month. Some very close family members chose not to attend and it hurt me deeply. I had forgotten about it but now it bothers me all over again. We also said bon voyage to some friends who moved back out of the area.

• Free TV Ad for Dreyers
• The Easy Thing (A Work-Related Post)
• Things Waze Should Do
• I'm... Microsoft?

June 2013 

Rachel's birthday. We also finally decided we could cut-the-cord. We started getting serious about how we might be able to reduce our ongoing budget.

• Why I Blog
• I'm Leaving You, DirecTV
• Delegation - A Recipe for Success (A Home- and Work-Related Post)

July 2013

July was the month we were supposed to work on improving our bedroom to make it into more of a haven. That did not happen. Maybe in 2014? Another trip to the ER this month. That four visits in nine months. Ugh.

• Why Husbands are Frustrating (Life with #Autism)
• Change in Plans
• Project Haven

August 2013 

We had our family vacation this month. Despite some things not going according to plan, it was a really nice week.

• Paying It Forward
• Failing to Plan = Planning to Fail (Life with #Autism)
• Ineffective Management (A Parenting Post)

September 2013 

Some good quality posts. For one, I was finally able to officially talk about a job change we'd been working on. Also, our anniversary. Lots of good posts this month.

• The Next Stage: New Job
• Fourteen (I'm a Lucky Guy)
• Someday
• Encourager
• Sense of Loss (Life with #Autism)

October 2013 

Lori's birthday. Apparently it was a tough month.

• Brïkiblöch
• Why Does Trader Joes Hate Canada?
• Guest Post: Letting Go of Dreams (Life with #Autism)
• Guest Post: Watching Ben in P.E. (Life with #Autism)

November 2013

It got dark early. It's felt like it stayed dark. A lot of us took turns being sick. We restarted our finances and I'm really encouraged and excited about our plans now.

• Clarity (A Work-Related Post)
• Guest Post: One Year Ago (Life with #Autism)
• Free Speech
• This Hasn't Gotten Any Simpler
  

December 2013

Oh, December, the quickest of all months. It's stayed dark. Dark and cold. And cold. And cold. We had snow. It was there when we woke up, the children went out and played in it, and by the afternoon it was all gone. That was like the best kind of snow. The period between Christmas and Thanksgiving was the shortest it can possibly be. Turns out it only moves up a day each year so it'll be awhile before there's a really long gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

• Tool Use (Life with #Autism)
• Free Idea: Digital Dollars for CBS
• Confidence
• Can I Have Your Eyes? (A Parenting Post)

What I gather from this is that I posted a lot this year. But I didn't say a lot necessarily about how life was going or how I was doing, it was all compartmentalized ideas, often usually scheduled in advance. I need to think about that. I liked in past years how I had something to quote from most months.

Past Years:

2012 * 2011 * 2010 * 2009 * 2008 * 2007a, 2007b, 2007c * 2006 * 2005

What Just Happened?

So close to the end of the year, it was a busy, busy year. It was, wasn't it? That's what I always tell myself - that I'm busy. I feel like there's always more to do go. At one point I complained to Lori that there was something important to me (painting the fake trim in Ben's room) that I was never able to get to. She pointed out that I had some time off in December and why didn't I just plan to do it then. Brilliant advice, I was able to put it off my list and schedule it. That's a great "Getting Things Done" tactic. I was able to remove it from my mind because I was confident I knew where to find it if I needed it.

A lot happened, but what? Was it the right stuff? If I think back about the year, the following themes immediately come to mind. But they come to mind just because they come to mind right now. Not because they were strategic by any stretch of the imagination. Does it need to be strategic? Or can I just live in the moment? If I try to plan things out and have an agenda or goals, am I ruining the serendipity of life? I don't think so. If I want to be able to take stock of my life, I guess I need to know whether I got to what I wanted to or not in the past year.

• Family / Autism
• Health / Diet & Exercise
• "simplify" / Project Haven / clutter / Digital
• Home / Home Improvement
• Finances
• Work / Leadership / Career

So.. what's wrong with this list? What's missing? "Family" is probably too generic and everything is chore-related. Where's "fun"? Where's "adventure"? Where's church/Christianity/faith? My life is not without fun, entertainment, intellectual exploration. But if it didn't come to mind, does that mean there's an issue? I don't need to structure or plan my fun, but I might need to be intentional about making sure there's margin for fun to occur on its own, or if life remains crazy, some scheduled outings which at least plants a flag on the calendar that says "On this date, we will travel by car to x and remain there for y hours." which at least says "You will not be able to complete 24 chores today so plan ahead."

So balance is needed. I need to understand what the main things are and then make the main things the main things. I need to understand priority so investments are in the right places. Some of those are things to specifically target but other things are just things to keep in mind and make sure I'm addressing regularly so that when we get to the end of the year I can say "Yes, I am satisfied that I focused on the right things."

confidence

I was recently meeting with my mentor and he opened our time together by saying "How are you doing? You seem well, you've seemed confident lately."

(If you're wondering, there's no better way to make someone feel confident then telling them they already appear confident!)

But it's true. There's a tiny part of me that wants to think "I must be missing something, then." But I can't make that stick. No, I'm not being arrogant.

There's a number of things I'm pretty pleased with lately as we enter the Christmas season.

I'm getting out of work earlier, closer to 5. Early on, I would go walking after work. It was exercise and decompression between home and work. And then when the weather turned, I'd do email and Google Reader. And it got where I was arriving home at 6 pm every day (work ends at 5). Which meant an hour with the children before they went to bed. Getting home earlier means more time to hang out with the children, especially Ben before dinner. This isn't always the case, but it's becoming more the case.

entertainment

The most recent in my identity series.

I love entertaining. Well, sort of. I love it when I can make others laugh. I'm only sort of good at it because of my dry wit and sometimes using the wrong medium (something that takes too long to explain) or I misread the room (it's funny to me but not others).

I love being entertained. Or at least I wrote down "entertainment" when I first created this identity series. But the more I think about this tonight, the more I think it's about being mentally stimulated. My brain is often moving at a high speed and I allow myself to get bored easily.  Call it entertainment, or call it distraction.

I will usually add music wherever I can to whatever I'm doing. Or I'll carry around the iPad while I'm doing chores, watching something on Netflix. (Now that I have Netflix, I rarely watch TED Talks. I'm still coming to grips with what I think of that.) Or I can't stop checking my email. Or I'm reading Feedly while watching TV. Or reading a book while I walk. Or before I go to bed. Most nights I'll squeeze the equivalent of at least two hours of TV in (minus commercials) and still get 30-60 minutes of reading in, plus reading before work. And while I'm driving, I must have Waze running and either music or on the way home from work, the weather forecast, latest tech, business and general news and the stock quotes for a bunch of companies thanks to Sync. I must constantly have external stimulus.  Before I get out of bed, I'll check my email, the latest headlines from MSNBC and Feedly. I usually have 1 or 2 books in progress and at least one magazine.  While I'm shaving I'm playing a video game or watching Netflix on my iPad.