Friday, December 23, 2011

Controlling Serenity

After a few frustrating incidents recently, I was feeling pretty down and did some soul-searching.

I realized that my frustration was the result of a feeling of being out-of-control.

Now... not every case was something that I should have had control over. But there were also instances of places where I should have been in control and I wasn't. Either I was being neglectful or I was distracted.

I don't want to portray myself as a control-freak, but at the same token, when you are feeling out-of-control, it's a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling that all is lost, a feeling of "why bother?"

Once I was able to diagnose my problem, I began to feel better. I could at least now name the issue and begin to work up a plan of attack. Fortunately, it aligns nicely with my theme for 2012. Maybe in some ways as I've begun to contemplate that theme it's forced me to confront that which has been causing so much discontent, anguish and palpable frustration in my life. That feeling of wanting to scream but realizing I really don't know how to scream, I wouldn't know where to do it and I'd have no idea to whom or what to direct those screams.

Fortunately, I don't have to now. Now that I know what's what, the cool and calm exterior I try to project can actually be matched with a cool and calm interior. It doesn't mean I've figured it all out or that I've fixed myself, but if knowing is half the battle, I'm 50% closer to a state of not being so messed up, and that's a good thing.

Now, I just need to figure out what I do control and reassert. And what I do not control... do I care? Do I need to find a way to acquire control? Do I need to eliminate it from my life? Do I need to eliminate something else of lesser value in order to leave room for ambiguity that comes from something being out of my control?

This will take time, but I've got that under control. The process, that is. I don't have time under control. (Though there are some time-management tasks I need to start re-practicing.)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

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