unangry

In my last post I talked about what made me unhappy or that "unhappy" felt like a good catch-all for negative feelings.  I tried to look out for them over the next few days and I realized that often the emotion that surfaced was anger. Not like every-except-Hal on Malcolm in the Middle or Paul on Breeders level of anger, but anger none-the-less. I wondered if focusing on what made me unhappy might have the wrong effect as I tried to return to life after vacation.  

The reasons aren't new, they've been explored. Task interruption, task disruption, higher priorities and responsibilities, the times when I'm no longer in control. And that leads to frustration and anger. Or when I'm physically attacked or spit on by my child. Or even frustrations with work which don't exactly manifest as anger most of the time, but definitely frustration, anxiety and worry. 

I thought maybe to watch for the times when I felt unhappy might lead me to be able to start seeing when control is no longer mine, to figure out if there were specific things I needed to handle. (One thing I've learned but not always put into practice is attempting to write while others in the household are still up. This has been a huge source of frustration in the past - I can't always control when I'm inspired to write, but then when I get ripped away while I'm feeling creative or introspective can be so maddening. I'm being dumb trying to write right now, but I want to write. But, I'm at the keyboard fully aware that I could be pulled away at any moment, and I'm prepared for it and know it's a possibility I accepted by trying to write right now. If it happens, I can't get mad about it.)

I also went on vacation facing a perplexing problem. It was recently determined at work that what they need me to do now is not what I was hired to do. Needs have changed. That happens. It's believed that I'm still capable to do what's needed and they've expressed a desire to still work with me, but it's a change. I've been struggling with what that means.  

Thing is, I've been here before. I wasn't able to see it while it was happening before, but now that I've been through this at least once before, I now can recognize what's happening sooner, I can understand why and I can better prepare and examine my options and even more important: realizing that I have options.

In the most immediate terms, it's been things like:

• signing out of the optional messaging system (Slack) and only being available on the official messaging system (Teams)
• focusing only on tickets assigned to me
• not looking at Teams or Outlook outside of work hours
• not trying to think up or propose new projects

I was worried that it was going to feel like I was giving up or not being true to my nature but it has turned out to be quite freeing. And if it turns out I've taken it too far, they'll let me know that they do what more from me and that'll be nice validation to what else I can and have offered beyond. It's not quiet-quitting, it's not slacking-off, it's not doing my work, it's just not trying to lead from beyond my role. It's not fun, but if I'm doing what I've been told is needed, if I've been told I was doing more than they wanted, I guess it's freeing to be expected to do less. That's kind of rare in the workplace, but I still make sure that whatever I do is with excellence, even if it's less that I'd like, if it's what they want, perfect.

But I've also tried to look at home as well. I have a massive to do list which is never-ending. I sat down and looked at all the recurring stuff and where possible, I extended out the length of time between repeats, and I looked at if there was some stuff on my list I was never actually going to ever do and removed it, and in other cases, I realized there was stuff I was mentally carrying that wasn't even on the list, so I threw it onto the list. I also realized there's a lot of time that is truly mine and time I spend on entertainment or fun and that sometimes that's more important than chores, so I tried to start looking at what's really important and what I can reasonably get done in any given day. It's been freeing to preemptively admit there is stuff I won't get to and not even allow it to be on today's (or this weeks - or this month's) list.

And then there's my diet. I didn't follow it while on vacation, but it is absolutely within my control. And I'm making great progress. And it feels good. I did need that push from my wife also restarting her diet, but now we're both making progress and I'm going to crush this. Also a few weeks ago I was out for my nightly walk and came across a home gym someone had left on the curb. I went home, grabbed my furniture dolly, wheeled it home, left it in the front of the driveway for a week and after no one came by and accused me of stealing it, I moved it into the backyard and while I haven't started using it again since coming back from vacation, it's only a matter of time before I pick it up again and move beyond just dropping weight but also adding muscle. 

And sure there's still stuff outside of my control... the weather, rude neighbors, the glacial pace of this attempt at home renovations, the end of our country, bad behavior by my kid, but there's so much that is within my control that a lot of the anger, frustration and anxiety (the "unhappiness") just didn't come back after my vacation. And it's been phenomenal. 

Did I have to stop during this post to go and help a family member with something while I was writing this? Absolutely. Did it cause me negative feelings? Nope. I was prepared for it to happen.